


"Not our fault Lukes fat."

by 5secondsoftumblr



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), 5SOS
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bromance, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Other, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-25 17:22:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1656386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5secondsoftumblr/pseuds/5secondsoftumblr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Not our fault lukes fat!" Ashton yells with a giggle, Michael and Calum laugh at the drummers choice of a joke, all of them glancing back to the laptop. What everyone misses though is the way Luke frowns slightly, and presses a hand over his tummy, he rubs an arm up and down his side for the rest of the twitcam, 'lukes fat..lukes fat...lukes fat' He chants over and over in his head. 'I'll be perfect, i won't stop until i am perfect.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. * The Twitcam *

**Lukes pov**

"Not our fault Lukes fat!" I can feel my skin go cold and my hands get sweaty at Ashtons words, the boys all let out a laugh at one of the drummers many jokes. They all turn back towards the twitcam but I am left staring down at my hands, I play with my thumb as I start to think over what they meant.

**'They think im fat?'**  
**'I thought I was finally going alright!'**  
**'Its just like primary school'**  
**'I have to be perfect I have to be perfect'**

I completely zone out so that when Calum puts his hand on my thigh I jump a bit at the contact.

"You alright Luke?" He whispers in my ear, I just nod my head and look back to where Ashton is talking, I see Calum look at me for a bit longer before he gives up and moves to look at the other boys as well. The relationship I have with the boys is so confusing I often find myself getting upset at it, we have all kissed a few times and we all act as if we are all boyfriends. Ashton and calum have come out as bisexual a few years ago and mikey and I haven't said a thing about our sexuality, I think we all know we will be together at some point, we just don't feel the need to announce it.

"So yes guys we just want to thank you all so much an-MICHAEL I WAS TALKING!" I fake a small giggle as I watch Mikey take the laptop away and back to the bedroom (just pretend it happens) Ashton looks at Calum and I before jumping out of the bath and running to find michael before he shows everyone his butt. I make a move to follow them slowly, but Calum puts a hand on my wrist and looks at me, I know what hes thinking, he knows i'm upset and he's worried, all the boys know I used to have 'bad habits' in school after being constantly teased and part of that was hurting myself and not eating, I wanted to be perfect and I was willing to do anything to get there, but luckily the boys noticed before I did some serious physical permanent damage to myself and then after a lot of crying we had to talk to my parents, but I don't like to think about that now or else it just makes me feel incredibly guilty.

"You know you can talk to any of us if you need to babe right? and it was just a joke okay? I promise just a joke." Calum reaches out and carefully picks up my arm, he pulls back my many bracelets and stares straight on at my wrist, I look at my skin and see the pale white lines criss crossing over my arm, there are so many but lots are faded so its no where near as bad as it was.

Calum looks back up at me before leaning down and presses soft kisses on my wrist, I allow my eyes to slip closed at the utter feeling of love which zooms through me, but then I hear Ashton laugh from the other room and michael yell out 'Is it that hard to get luke outta the bath?'

I open my eyes and I can feel the tears gathering in my the back of my eyes, Calum stands back and looks me in the eye while grabbing both my hands.

"Hey hey they're just joking luke you know that right? they are being stupid and i'll tell them later its not funny okay?" I zoned out halfway through Calums little speech so I just nod my head and smile.

"I'm fine!" I give him a quick smile and a peck on the cheek before racing out of the bathroom and to the bedroom where the rest of the boys are lying on the bed. I run up behind them and just stand there quietly, until Mikey pulls on my leg from behind and pulls me down onto the boys, I can hear Ashton groaning from my weight and I can feel myself wince from the self hatred which comes crashing down onto me. I look behind me and can see calum come out of the bathroom.

_Show him you're alright or else you'll worry him!_

"I just want to cuddle.." I mutter before cuddling into michael and ashtons back, they both laugh and start to go on about me being gay for hugging backwards, I just sigh quietly until calum runs over and jumps on top of us as well

_hes so skinny_

_hes so small_

_im not im fat_

_i'm big_

_i'm too big_

_i'm too ugly_

_i'm too worthless_

I push calum off me at the sound of the hotel room door bell, I yell out 'I'll get it!' and run to the front door, I open it and see a man dressed in a uniform

"Hello there is a suitcase for a Mr.Luke R Hemmings at the front door, would you like it bought up?" I look back to the boys and shake my head "I'll come down and get it in a second thank you" He nods his head before walking away into another room direction, I close the door and run back to the bedroom, I see all the boys playing and laughing together.

Grabbing my shoes I quickly slip them on. "Boys one of my suitcases arrived! i'm going down to get it!" They all turn to look at me "Luke can't you get them to bring it up? we're in the middle of a god damn twitcam!" Ashton giggles out after and so does michael, I look to calum quickly and see him looking at me with that small pout on his face, I just wave a hand and say back ( a bit shaky ) "Haha yeah I'll be back in a second!" Before I run out the hotel door and to the elevator, I am about to press the down button when I look to the side and see the stairs door, we are up on the 10th floor and the highest floor is 15, so it will be at least 15 minutes down to the bottom...

_You need the exercise_

I shake my head and try to get the bad thoughts out of my head, im fine im fine im not getting bad again, I promised them all last time...

_I promised..._

_**15 MINUTES LATER** _

I push open the lobby door and breathe in a big breath of oxygen, I can feel my lungs about to explode 'God damnit' I think to myself 'I need to lose some weight' I wandered over to the front desk to collect my bag when I see two girls, probably in their early 20's? "OH MY GOSH did you hear that 5 es oh es is staying in THIS hotel!" One of them squeals, I look around and see no one looking mildly annoyed by their high pitched voices.

"TOTES! OHMYGEE I can't wait to see ASHTON the sex beast he is!" I smile a bit at the thought that they think ashton would go for them

_But they are skinny_

Shut up stupid thoughts, I think as i self consciously bring my arms around to wrap around my stomach, hiding all the ugly flab from everyone.

"Whos the ugliest do you think?" one of them squeaks out.

They'll say me they'll say me they'll say me

"Probs that luke one ae? I mean hes underage its like grow the fuck up and he's got so much acne! and his fucking lip piercing! hah its like can you not?!" My heart sinks at their words, I already knew they would say me but it's like, I do have feelings even if they don't know i am right behind them.

Finally they get whisked away by a hotel person trying to help them and then it's my turn.

"Hello I um got told a bag was here for Mr. Luke R Hemmings?" The man behind the desk goes 'ahh yes' before turning around and picking up my bag, he hands it over to me and smiles before sending me off with a 'good day mr hemmings' I shake my head before going back to the door, I look to the stairs and think about it, I would have to be away from the twitcam for another 15 minutes, they were already so angry at me before this will just make it worse...

I sigh before reaching towards the stairs door

_Oh who cares, I need the exercise..._

**YET ANOTHER 15 MINUTES LATER**

I get to the top of the stairs and open the big door to my floor, everything seems a bit fuzzy for a second before my eyes focus, I shake my head at my own stupidity

_Get over it luke you needed the exercise!_

I pick up my bag which seemed to have gained 20kgs before wheeling it down to the room, I open the door quietly to see all the boys still lying on the bed, the room is a bit messier than before but nothing terrible.

"Ayyyeee lukeys back!" Ashton screams out before turning to calum and placing a sloppy kiss on his cheek I look over to see michael cuddled up in one of the oversized hotel blankets, I just smile and set my suitcase down before taking a seat on the bed in the background, I don't like being all in everyones faces in twitcams and right now i'm not feeling the best and I just want to be alone.

Before I know it calum is standing up and he's pulling his pants down, I see the tip of his family jewels pop out and I look away quickly so he can keep some dignity (not that he cares) on the other side of the room I can hear ashton and mikey yelling at calum to 'stop for the love of god!' and then he's about to turn around with his thingy out and all I can think to say is "oh god no please" and then I cover my eyes. "Okay well I think thats a good time to end the twitcam guys thank you all for tuning in we love youuuu byyyeeeeeee!!!!" ashton signs off and closes the laptop and laughs at calum who is doing up his pants, I smile weakly at the scene before looking down at my clothes, I am in my nirvana top and some black ripped skinny jeans and black vans (of course) I look over to my suitcase and get up, I unzip my bag and go through all the clothes until I pull out my baggiest clothes which consist of one of my older brothers old tops and some fat (swag) pants.

"Guys im going to get changed for bed" I whisper quietly into the room, michael says 'okay mate' but doesn't move his head from the television screen, ashton and calum don't stop talking to each other to notice, I sigh and shake my head before walking into the bathroom.

I lock the door behind me before stripping my clothes off and standing in just my boxers, I move to stand in front of the full length mirror, my pale fat scarred body comes into view and I can feel myself inwardly wince.

_So disgusting luke honestly._

the tears start to build up in my eyes and I can't stop myself when they overflow and start to rush down my cheeks freely.

_So stupid Luke you dont deserve to cry!_

I push myself away from the mirror while grabbing at my stomach, so hard that it leaves angry red marks, I claw my nails down my stomach and thighs and watch as bright red lines pop up over my body.

_It's not enough, it's never enough.._

I look over to the shower and see one of the cheap razors that we always tend to have lying around, I jump up and grab at it, I carefully undo the side bits until the shinning bit of metal falls out and delicately chimes on the floor. I pick it up slowly and look at my wrist.

Won't they notice? Where else could I do it? I shake my head and bit my lip, shit shit shit. I shake my head again before deciding 'fuck it' they wont notice. Bringing the small bit of metal up to my wrist, I swipe it along in a quick fashion and boom there goes my 3 years clean streak.

 _Ugly ugly ugly ugly_ my head chants at me and it only pushes me to push down harder and more frequently, I keep going until I have 18 cuts, some criss crossing along my wrist around 10cm from my palm so that my bracelets will cover it up.

_Now the boys won't ever love you, you broken boy..._

The tears continue to stream down my face and I can feel my throat closing up and a sob threatening to escape 'shit' I think, before wrapping my wrist up in some gauze I found in the cupboards and dabbing some aloe vera gel on the cuts quickly before chucking my clothes on and thanking myself for choosing a long sleeved top. I look in the mirror again before smiling quickly and going to unlock the door.

"Okay well im going to go to bed guys..night" they all nod their heads but keep their vision on the movie on the screen, I peek a look and see 'the silver linings playbook' is on, I just sigh as they all oogle and gaze at jennifer lawrence.

_she's skinny_

'oh shut up' I think to myself before curling around my own body and trying to spread my body warmth to the bed.

"Do you think we should wake him up?" 

"I don't know I can't believe he would start to do this again.."

"Were we really that bad?" 

"he was really upset ash.."

"It was just a joke I swear!"

"I know, I know..."

"what do we do guys I-I don't w-want Luke to do this to himself a-anymore..."

"calm down mikey it'll be alright..."

"should we check his stomach?" 

"maybe...lets see if we can lift up his shirt without him noticing"

I am vaguely aware of the voices around me and its only until someone is reaching at my top that I sit up and freak out, I open my sleepy eyes and am met with the sight of 3 teary eyes and red cheeked band mates.

"Lukey?" Ashton whimpers softly before jumping onto the bed and cuddling me close to his chest

"Oh Lukey I swear it was a joke! a stupid unfunny one! im so sorry baby i'm so sorry"

I don't know how to react so I just wrap my arms around his shaking body, and its then that I notice my bandage is missing, I look up quickly and see mikey with tears streaming down his face.

"Oh Lukey babe"

 

DO YOU GUYS WANT ANOTHER CHAPTER???? IT WOULD BE MAINLY FLUFF BUT LET ME KNOW AND I SHALL <333333 


	2. * Cuddle me in, cuddle me up. *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff + angst mainly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS SO I HOPE YOU LIKE IT AND YES YES YES

Lukes pov

Michael comes over to the bed and lies down next to me, he wraps his arms around me and squeezes me closer, I can feel him lean his chin on the top of my head and from his position he has managed to make me curl up into his chest. He presses his lips to my forehead and I watch him close his eyes, a few tears slip slowly down his beautiful face.  
"Mikey I'm so sor-" I'm cut off by Ashton letting out a sob from where he had pulled away and sat at the end of the bed. He uses his hand to push his curls out of his eyes and I can feel my heart clench as he tries to catch his breath without making too much noise, but I see him and I can't help the guilt that washes over me.

"I'm sorry its all my fault guys but I want to be skinny again okay? im sick of it I can feel the fat on my skin and its overwhe-"  
"Don't you dare say that." Calum has jumped forward and has my face in a tight grip with his hands, but its not sore, just very assertive.  
"You.are.beautiful luke hemmings and I don't care how much I have to tell you I will remind you every.single.day if I have to, you don't understand how love struck you have all three of us do you? Luke you're the reason I bother getting up in the morning! you are the reason I always invite you to the gym! its because i'm too chicken to tell you I love you and I want to show off!" Calum stares into my eyes, slowly he lets his grip loosen and then ashton is talking.  
"Luke you're the reason I always pull terrible jokes, I think I would say 1000 cheesy jokes everyday for the rest of my life, if I got to see your beautiful smile just once. You're the reason i get up extra early, because i know when you get up you're cuddly and it makes me want to get up and dressed so that i can cherish every living second i get to have you cuddled into my side."  
Michael brings a soft finger to the bottom of my chin and brings my head up the slightest bit.  
"Luke hemmings, i didn't like school when i was younger, calum was the only reason i still went, but then i met you and i thought you would judge me like everybody else, and then i judged you and i wasted a whole year of my life hating the most amazing person ever, and i regret that every day and every night. But then we became friends and if i'm being honest, i-i was going to leave school that year, but then we became friends and my life just got bright and happy and you were always just-there, you didn't have to be loud and always bubbly, j-just your presence was enough! a-and i remember when we found out about you hurting yourself....that night i felt as though a part of me died, remember how we were all crying so much we couldn't be in different rooms, we all squished into your bed and talked for hours on end, i wanted to tell you i loved you so much b-but then the time passed and i missed it, we all love you so much luke and we don't know what we would do if you ever got that bad again, i mean maybe now's the time to tell your parents? they could help yo-"

"I would rather fucking kill myself." The room completely deflates and we are submersed into a deathly silence, i can hear michael breathing on my neck and how he slightly chokes when the words leave my mouth, i look across the room at ashton and he has his mouth hung open in shock and his hands are slightly shaking and calum looks like hes just seen a ghost, his normally tan skin looking slightly paler and his eyes and wide open. I look to my lap and try my best to stop the tears from coming but i can't help it and i'm not strong enough and they just come dripping down my face.  
"Please don't say that..baby p-please d-don't say that" Michael says pulling me tighter against his chest, i can feel something wet hitting my neck and i look behind me to see Michael with tears streaming down his face...again, because of me. 

I just shake my head, i shouldn't have said that, i shouldn't have said that, i've just made it annoying for them.

"Shhh calm down baby shhh please calm down" Calum says rubbing a comforting hand along my arm, i just continue shaking my head, i can't do this i can't do this.  
"Okay you know what! i think we should all just get into bed for a bit and just cuddle, its only.." Ashton looks around the room for a clock, before calum pulls his phone out of his pocket.

"5:30am" calum says quietly, removing his top and making his way over to the bed.  
I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing before all the boys get into the bed.  
Ashton crawls from the bottom of the bed to the top, Michael pulls me off his lap and lays me down in the middle of the bed while Ashton lies on my left and Michael on my right, and calum just sort of lies across us all on the bed, but not in an uncomfortable way. Its nice having them all just around me, i can feel my heart beating in my ears and i'm still trying my best to get my breathing in control. Ashton is running his fingers thru my hair while Michael is cuddling me into his warm chest, calum is running a hand over my tummy, which is nice but a bit odd because all i can feel is him pushing on my fat.

My fat, which is all over my body, everyone always sees it and comments when i'm not looking and i just can't do it, they all hate me and i'm not good enough, i'm never good enough i ca-"  
"Baby baby calm down, we're right here baby shhh" Michael whispers to me, and i can feel him telling me to calm down and in all honestly i am just tired and drained and this day hasn't even started and i'm already over it, i can feel my new cuts on my arm and since no bandage is on them its open and they are red.  
"Just try to sleep babe, we'll be here when you wake up, don't worry lukey" Ashton says pressing a kiss to the side of my head.  
I am on my back facing the ceiling, both calum, ash and mikey are all around me and i have never felt more at peace.  
There is so much stuff i have to face and talk about, but right now all i know, is that i want to sleep.

HEY GUYS SO I THINK I COULD STILL GO ON FROM THIS IF YOU WANT BUT JUST LET ME KNOW HOW THIS WAS, I THINK THERE IS STILL MORE FLUFF UP AHEAD BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T FULLY TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT YES I THINK THEIR RELATIONSHIP COULD PURSUE AND GET EVEN MORE DETAILED SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW AND YES XXXXX


	3. * Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, console me. *

LUKES POV

I wake up to the feeling of a hand running softly through my hair, and quiet humming.

Blinking my eyes repeatedly until the world comes into focus, i look up at the ceiling and for a second i am in peace, until all of it comes flooding back to me.

 

_Boys calling me fat._

_Having a panic attack._

_Relapsing._

_Proving to the boys i'm not good enough._

_etc._

I move my hand around under the sheets and shimmy it up through the bedding until i can press it against my head, rubbing my eyes, the humming stops, and i can hear them all quietly whispering to each other.

I try my best to sit up, noticing that the hand in my hair has removed itself, i am pressed up against someones warm chest and an arm is wrapped around my waist.

My body movement causes the person behind me to quietly 'shh' and pull me back into their chest.

I sleepily turn myself around to face the warm person behind me and i am met with a shy smiling Michael.

I give him a small smile back, but then i move my arms to the side to help push me up, but a searing pain shoots through my wrist.

"Ahhhh!!!" i yell pulling my other hand up to cradle my pain filled one, Michael tightens his arms around my waist and cuddles me to his chest.

The arm which was lazily placed on my hip moves and i watch Calum sit up quickly from his place on the bed.

"Shhh baby quiet you're alright." He whispers coming up to detach my hand from my red wrist, he carefully places my sore arm on his lap, all while Michael is grasping onto my middle so i don't squirm away.

"Cal and Mikey make sure he doesn't move, i'm gonna check in the bathroom for some medical supplies!" Ashton says before sliding off the bed and running towards the bathroom quickly.

"Mikey it hurts..." i say looking towards my wrist which has started to bleed again, i can see it all and i can't help but shiver at the embarrassment of the boys seeing the cuts all there in the open.

I look at cal and see him not moving his strong gaze from my wrist, i glance back to Mikey and study his face, he looks sort of frightened but then very very sad.

I finally let my muscles relax and slump back into Mikeys chest, he lets his arms fall a bit, but not by much.

"What time is it?" i utter trying to forget about the growing guilt i feel inside.

"Its around 10am, but don't worry we have the rest of the week off babe.." Mikey says, i look back at him with confusion all over my face.

"We're traveling for three days and then we get two days of Lukey" Some of the pain in my chest eases up a bit at that, the idea of not having to rush back into the busy schedule of preforming non stop.

"So its just us for a few days baby, no worries okay? we can just wrap you up in a bed blanket and we can just watch movies for a few days okay?" Calum looks at me with such love in his eyes.

Love you don't deserve

"Okay! i found some disinfectant, some bandages and cotton balls!" Ashton says rushing back into the room and carefully placing the items on the beside before moving to the bed, he rests his hand on my arm. 

"Cal can you please pore some disinfectant on a cotton ball and pass it to me?" Calum nods his head before carefully moving to the bedside table and unscrewing the lid.

Michael has started to stroke my shoulder tenderly, "Just stay still for us okay babe?" Mikey whispers in my ear, i nod my head and clutch onto the top bed sheet with one of my hands.

I inspect Calum as he finished screwing the lid back on the bottle and climbs back over to the bed without dropping the cotton ball.

"Okay Lukey this might hurt a bit but don't worry it'll be over soon okay love?" I just breathe out a quiet 'yeah okay' before i watch Calum bring it closer to me, it has a dot of blue liquid which has seeped into the soft cotton, and it radiates a horrid strong smell which has my head spinning as its bought closer to my wrist.

"Hold him boys!" Cal says as he presses it to my wrist, the pain is searing but i don't mind, i don't move at all actually, i can tell the boys are thoroughly surprised, but i just sit there, the pain numbing my arm, but i honestly don't mind its the sort of pain that i like.

"Lukey you alright?" I just nod my head at Ashton who doesn't look the slightest bit convinced.  
"Can you pass me the bandage Ash? i need to wrap it around this cotton ball" Ash scurries off to get the bandage and hands it to calum, i can feel the pain starting to drain away, the pressure of the boys holding me down lightens up and i breathe a sigh of relief as they all sit back to look at me.

"Oh baby i'm so proud of you, you did so well' Michael says pressing a loving kiss to the side of my hair.

"Okay well how about we chuck on some clothes and go get some breakfast?" Ashton says looking around the room with an eyebrow raised, the rest of the boys nod and Michael lifts me up into his arms before moving over to our suitcases, i blush at the movement of Michael holding my body.

Too heavy

"Can you please put me down mikey, i can still walk" I say with a playfulness in my voice, trying to lighten the situation.  
He nods his head and moves down to pick some clothes, i sigh and look to my own suitcase, all the clothes are tight and right now i really don't want that, i look across the room to Ashton and see him pulling on a ramones t shirt and some black skinny jeans along with his old pair of black and white converse.

Sighing quietly i make my way over to Ash, i tap him on the back softly, he turns around to look at me with a smile on his face.

"Hey Ash could i um c-could i b-borrow some...clothes?" I ask him looking at the ground, a blush clear on my cheeks  
He giggles his adorable laugh and nods his head eagerly, "yeah sure! what do you want? colours? fabric? brand?" I can't help but giggle quietly at his silliness, but i cringe at the ugly sound that comes out of my mouth.

"Sorry" I apologise as he hands me some sweats and an over sized jumper  
Confusion crawls across his face and he looks utterly lost as he watches me move to take off my clothes.  
"Why are you apologising?" I just shake my head  
"Don't worry" He nods his head a bit unsure.

I look around and see Ashton dressed but Michael and Calum stripping from their clothes

Look at how skinny they are

You aren't like them

I shake my head at the negative thoughts swimming in my head, i look to the bathroom and decide i can't punish them so much as to have to see me naked.  
Making my move to the bathroom i open the door, which lets out a small 'squeak' which makes all the boys stop what they are doing and turn around to face me.

"What are you doing Luke?" Mikey asks looking at me with a raised eyebrow, Calum sort of nods his head at what Michaels saying, while Ash just steps forward to come closer to me.

"I-I was just going t-to get changed i-in the bathroom.." i mumble, at a loss as to why they are making it such a big deal?  
Calum shakes his head before he starts to repeat "No, no, no, no, no ,no sorry no" I look at him puzzled before Michael speaks up himself

"Yeah sorry Luke but you are not going into the bathroom yourself! nu uh not happening" 

They don't trust you

I cant blame them

"I just need t-to get dressed g-guys..." I mumble my eyesight set on my feet.  
"Well why can't you just get dressed in front of us its not like we haven't seen you naked bef-oh" I look up and i can see the realisation crossing all of their features at the same time.

"Lukey baby, love you have absolutely NO reason to be embarrassed about getting undressed in front of us, you're beautiful okay and it really upsets us that you don't think so" I just shake my head, i have scars on my stomach and its all my fat and i can't do it  
"I'll be quick, promise" I say with hope dripping from my voice

They all shake their head 'no' and i just stutter out responses no one listens to

"WELL HOW AM I MEANT TO GET CHANGED BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE ALL WINCING AT THE IDEA OF SEEING MY FAT BODY NAKED!" I explode at them all, they all url into themselves at my yelling, i'm Luke, the one who never yells and is nice to everyone, even if they aren't nice to me.

"Thats not true baby, we just want to make sure you won't do anything in the bathroom, we can't loose you baby" Ashton says rubbing a comforting hand on my arm, i nod my head stiffly and reach down to pick up the clothes that had fallen out of my arms during my yelling.

Picking up the sweats i decide to start with them, i can feel the boys looking at me, but once i look up they all quickly make a move to look away, sighing i slowly push my pants down to the floor, its warm in the room luckily so i don't shiver too much from the cold, but from the embarrassment? unfortunately i was all too embarrassed right now.

Slipping on the sweats i quickly make a move to lift my top off and get the other one from the ground.  
Finally finished i look up to the boys and see all of them looking away, except for Ashton who i catch looking away just as i look up.

"Okay i'm finished i guess, i say grabbing some blue vans and socks.  
Ashton steps forward with a smile, he looks me up and down and i can only hope he's looking at the clothes and not getting annoyed at how much i'm stretching them.  
Ashton rubs his hands together "Lets go get some lunch!" and then we are off downstairs.

HEY GUYS SO YES I HAVE DONE ANOTHER CHAPTER :) I HOPE YOU LIKED IT AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU WANT MORE AND WHAT YOU WANT???? LOVE YOUUUUUUUU XXXXXXX P.S ALSO I AM SO AMAZED AT THE SWEET COMMENTS YOU GUYS LEAVE ME HONESTLY YOU ARE ALL SO SWEET XXX


	4. * I'm latching onto you *

LUKES POV

The boys and i all shuffle out of the hotel room, there is a cafe/restaurant thing downstairs in the lobby of the hotel so i assume we are just going there.

  
"Okay we can go now" Calum says once he has made sure the door is properly closed  
Ashton smiles at Cal and moves his attention to me, he looks me up and down, which causes me to wrap my arm around my stomach which lately feels like an automatic reflex

  
"I love seeing you in my clothes, you wear them better than me" Ashton says reaching down to hold my hand in his, i look up at him once our hands are intertwined, i cant help but smile a bit at our hands before the bad thoughts come back.

Hes just saying this so you'll eat and they won't have to go through the trouble of getting another singer

I shudder at the negative thoughts which seem to be swimming around in my mind right now, but then Ashton is rubbing his thumb over my knuckles and my whole body just deflates with the negativity.

  
"Come on baby lets go get some breakfast" He says with a smile, his dimples proudly protruding on his cheeks, which makes me smile a bit.

  
I look towards Mikey and Cal and see them both staring at us with small smiles engraved on their faces, they quickly shuffle when they notice us looking and Mikey takes the chance to move us all along towards the elevator.  
Cal presses the button to summon the metal box to take us down and its all fine and good, until i look over to the side and see the 'steps' door, the urge is overwhelming to ditch the elevator and run down the steps.

DING

I look over towards the boys and see them all making a move to get into the empty elevator but i don't move, i stay glued to the floor my eyes set on the nicely polished door. I move to look towards Calum when he says "Come on lukey the elevators here.." Cal says moving his hand as if to usher me into the small room, i tear my gaze away from him once again before i let my head drop to the floor.

  
"G-guys can i t-take the stairs?" I say keeping my head tucked into my chest waiting for their reply. I can hear a sigh come from someones mouth and i can't help but look up at see Calum whispering to the boys before he steps forward, "Okay Luke i'll walk down with you okay?" I nod my head at him eagerly, happy that they understand that i need to do this and that i can't be completely normal.

"Thank you" I say to Calum as he opens the door to the steps for me, he just smiles and waves goodbye to the other boys in the elevator as their doors close. As we start the long journey down the many stairs Calum stays in front of me, i'm guessing its because he doesn't want me to go really fast down the stairs and push myself.

After about 4 minutes of silence i decide i need to talk, "I'm sorry Cal" I say as he makes his way quietly and slowly down the stairs, he looks back to me and slows down even more (if that was even possible).

"Its alright Lukey the boys and i w-we understand you're not going to be full healthy, b-but we just want to make sure you don't get really bad again, you understand?" I look at Calums face and nod my head stiffly trying to keep all the tears in, i've cried enough to last weeks from last night.

"I know and i-i'm trying to stay alright b-but its so hard Cal.." I say leaning my body against the narrow stairway wall.  
I see Calum nod and slide down the wall to sit on a step just below me, i take a shaky breath and bring a hand up to run it through my messy hair. "Its so odd Cal, i-i feel like im crazy! i can feel all of the bad thoughts coming back a-and i-i'm so scared because i-i don't want t-to get bad again!" I wail out at the end of the mini burst, i can't deal with getting bad again, its too much and i know how sad the boys get and i can't hurt them again, i just can't.

 

Maybe you should run away

What? run away? i could never leave the boys like that, they would hate me even more

They would do so much better without you though! just leave at night and they don't have to worry about you!

 

"Lukey i promise no matter what happens the boys and i will always be here for you okay? and please baby don't worry about getting bad again, w-we can all talk it our and you just take it easy for a few days, how does that sound baby?" I just nod my head but all my mind can think about is running away.

 

 

Could i run away? yes

 

 

Where would i go? get a bus to another town and then stay in a motel

 

What about the band? They can find a replacement and we don't have another show for at least 7 days, thats long enough for the boys to find someone else

 

I should run away? you should run away

 

"Okay luke we better hurry downstairs or else the boys will wonder where we are" Cal says standing up, he holds a hand out to me and i take it, thanking him as i stand up. We run down the stairs and finally after far too long we get to the main floor and push open the big door leading to the lobby.

"Ah there you guys are we were getting worried!" Ashton says coming over to us, he pulls us along to the open restaurant and to a big table near the back, i can see the One Direction boys are there too and some crew members are scattered across the other tables closer to the front.

"Oh there you are guys! i was getting worried!" Mikey says standing up and guiding Cal and Ashton who were in front of me to sit down, they both squish in and its then that i notice theres not enough room.

Oh god luke see THIS is why you should leave! theres obviously not enough room for you.

Michael looks up to see Luke awkwardly standing there with his hands in his pockets, he looks to the table and notices the lack of chairs. "Hey guys can you move closer together to make room for Luke?" Mikey says to cal, ash, harry, Niall and louis.

They all nod their head sure but no one notices how Luke winces at the thought of everyone having to make room for him

You're just that big

"Here Luke sit here" Ashton says patting the small space next to him, i sniffle trying my very best to not let the tears flow.

Once we are all settled at the table a women dressed smartly makes her way over to our table with menus in hand. Menus are passed out and nearly everyone already knew what they wanted but then it came to me and i was left sputtering like an idiot.

"I-i'll um...c-can i um..."

"He'll have some cheerios with some yoghurt and a banana with a glass of orange juice please" Mikey says from beside me on his chair, he takes the menu from my hands and passes it to the waitress, she smiles and is then away with our orders.

I didn't need anything now im going to have to eat in front of the boys the table the restaurant "Lukey please try and eat breakfast okay?" Ashton says whispering in my ear, I nod trying my best to be involved with the conversations being thrown around the table between the one direction boys and calum and mikey, i can feel everyone looking at me from time to time and it drives me nuts. Im not crazy, i swear.

"Okay and here is your cereal! Have a great breakfast! and let me know if you need anything else!" The over joyful waitress says with a deathly sweet smile before almost skipping off, i look down to the squeaky clean shiny white bowl in front of me, there is about 2 cups of cheerios in the over sized china bowl, a smaller bowl is off to the left which is filled with some creamy looking yoghurt and then a medium bowl with multiple fruits and berries and a banana has been expertly sliced and left on a small plate.

I look around the table and see everyone digging into their food and smiling while talking with their mouth full. I sigh before picking up the over polished spoon and dip it into the dry cereal, why there is no milk i have no idea but i don't care less calories.

Diving the spoon cautiously i pull out a few bits of the cereal, bringing it to my mouth i nearly gag at the heavy weighty feel of it in my mouth.

I hate it i can feel it going through my body once i swallow, all the terrible calories going into my body which will eventually turn into fat that will hang off my body, i can't do this i can't do this

"Ashton i can't do this" i say with a shudder, i look around and see no one else has noticed i said anything except for Ashton, who looks at me with nothing but worry in his eyes.  
He leans in closer to me and says "Can't do what baby? no ones forcing you okay? we just want you to try your best, maybe start with the banana yeah?" I nod my head, i can eat a banana, they aren't too bad for you, well not as bad as cheerios at least.

I pick up a slice of banana from the plate and nibble at one of the sides, i finish the slice and reach for another.

"Well done luke, i'm so fucking proud of you baby for finishing that" Ashton tells me with a smile, i furrow my eyebrows before looking down at the plate and noticing i ate all the slices of banana and a few berries and some apple.

"Oh..." I murmur quietly, i didn't realize i had eaten all of that so quickly.

Its all in your stomach

Get rid of it

GET RID OF IT

"I'll be back!" I yell a bit too loudly for our table, but i had to get it out fast, i don't even pay attention to Ashton telling me to come back and Cal trying to get out of the table to come after me, or Michael who tries to grab my wrist, but i slip it our of his grasp and continue to run away and to the bathrooms near the stairs i saw before.

I run into the white clean bathroom and push open a stall, locking the door behind me i lean down onto my knees before pushing my fingers down my throat.

I need this food out of me, now.

HEY GUYS SO I TRIED TO MAKE THIS CHAPTER LONG BUT I HAD A TEST TODAY AND WAS FOCUSED ON THAT SO I AM SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKE IN THIS CHAPTER BUT YEAH OTHER THAN THAT I HOPE YOU LIKED IT :D XXXXXXXXX


	5. * Give me therapy, i'm a walking travesty. *

LUKES POV*

I sit on the ground of the clean bathroom stall, i stare at the toilet, i bring a shaky hand to my stomach and press down so much fat, so much fat.  
i get back up to my knees and bring three fingers to my mouth, i press them to the back of my throat after taking a deep breath.

I cough and splutter around my fingers, the feeling deep in my stomach pushing the food up my throat-

"LUKE!?" Ashtons worried voice rings out through the bathroom which seems to be unoccupied except for me.

"LUKEY?" Mikeys voice echoes around Ashtons call  
I push their calls to the back of my mind and focus on pushing down harder, i cough more and i can feel the food coming up.  
Hurried footsteps rush to my bathroom stall door, i don't pay attention too much though.  
"LUKE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T OPEN UP THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW I WILL FORCE MY WAY AND BREAK DOWN THIS FUCKING DOOR!" Calums angry tone vibrates around the floor im sitting on.

Come on Luke, you're nearly there.

Pushing my wet fingers back into my mouth, i push down and its all about to come up and im going to get that bit closer to being skinny and being perfect and then maybe the boys will love me and i didn't realize how violently i was crying until i feel them dripping off my chin, i brush them off with a careless thought.

Keep going, keep going, keep going keep goin-

"LUKE!" Ashton pulls on the back of my top, his top.  
Which retracts me from the toilet, from being perfect.

"N-no...NO!" I scream through my wrecked throat, i can feel how raw my voice is and how it cracks in all the wrong places.  
I thrash around in Ashtons tight grip, trying almost sadly to get back to the toilet.

"P-please Ash, please i-i need it" I whisper after thrashing around for 5 minutes, i look down to the floor, bowing my head in slight defeat.  
He cuddles me back into his chest, wrapping his tan arms around me protectively.

"I'm so s-sorry lukey but i can't do that! okay i-im not going to let you get that bad again okay? just please baby" Ashton whispers into my hair, which probably looks absolutely crazy from me running my fingers through it.

I look up to the other boys, seeing Michael slumped on the ground with his legs tucked into his chest and back against the opposite wall, while Calum is standing on guard in front of the toilet, in case i was to crawl helplessly back.  
I sigh and just bring my hands up, only to flop them down in protest, i'm over trying to fight them...for now, i just try to blink back the tears as they start to surface.

"Oh baby, you're alright love, we've got you" Ashton says, starting to slightly rock me in his arms, its calming and if i'm being honest it makes me want to fall asleep, i feel myself drain of any energy that was left from my little spaz.  
Blinking my eyes profusely to try to stay awake, is unsuccessful when Mikey comes over and starts to run his fingers over my scalp and through my hair, Calum has since sat down on the other side of Ashton and started to hum a tune, its only after he gets to what must be the chorus when i realize the familiar tune, give me love by ed sheeran.

My eyes start to droop and i can feel my body melting into Ashtons embrace.

"Y-you guys should just drop me off s-somewhere f-far away..." I mumble tiredly  
I miss the horrified looks all the boys exchange each other

Calum coughs and asks weakly "Whys that Lukey?"

I just huff a bit and as im falling off into the land of lost toys and nightmares, i manage to whisper out

"I'm a broken boy, broken boys don't get to be loved"

\-----------------------------------------------

 

Grumbling i move myself away from the annoying thing poking my ribs, i open my eyes weakly, blinking rapidly to get rid of the blurriness i realize it was the edge of my bunk bed...in the tour bus.

I nearly fall off the edge at the realisation of the fact that im no longer in the hotel, in the lobby bathrooms.

I push myself up from the bed and pull at the heavy curtain, hiding me from the others on the bus.

Thanking the fact that i'm on the top bunk for a second as i notice how cold the bottom ones are, but i don't notice from the heat all going to the roof of the bus.

"Fucking idiot." I say as i look around the bright bus, the boys are no where in sight but after hearing some quiet voices from behind the closed door which leads to the front living room, i know they are here.

Placing my feet on the plush carpet, i grasp onto the side of my bunk as i feel the bus moving fast along the road beneath us, my head spins a bit from the rumbling of the tour bus, but i just shake my head and walk quietly towards the door.

I lean my head against the door and press my ear close to the door handle.

Trying my best to hear whats in the other room turns out to be a smart choice when i start to hear the conversation on the otherside of the door.

"-so long since he has done anything like this"

"do you know what bought it on?"

"....."

"it was just a joke i swear!" thats ash for sure

theres a sigh which i have carved into my mind as our manager Greg's (idk im just makin this up)

"boys i-i don't know what you want me to tell you.."

"Just tell us how to...get him better!" thats mikey i can almost hear the tears in his voice

"....have you thought of therapy?"

Silence, thats all that i can hear from the other side of the door, and i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but then i hear the words, uttered from my so called best friends and brothers and possible lovers.

"I mean...would it help?" Ashtons voice rings out, quickly followed by Calum

"I-i mean what would happen with the tour?"

"You could stay on tour, he would just have to visit a therapist maybe once every day or two i don't know depends what they think he needs?"

"Mikey what do you think?"

theres silence again and for a second i hold onto the hope that mikey will get mad, scream and tell them sending me away won't do a thing.

"If its going to make sure he won't do anything bad again then...i guess"

 

I push away from the door as if i just got burned, they cant send me to therapy? im fine! they cant do that!

"Need to get out.."

I run over to the other side of the room and spot out my suitcase, i pick out some clothes and just hold them in my arms, i run back to the door and burst through it, all eyes are on me but im running past them all.

A pair of pants are touching the ground but i just grip tighter to the clothes.

"Lukey where are you going?" Mikey says standing up in the blink of an eye, he rushes over to luke while luke just stands there, pulling at the tour bus door, but its locked.

"Lukey back away from the door love, its locked, we are moving" Calum says moving closer to the broken boy.

Luke flinches when the boys all take a step closer, while Ashton stays perched on the side of the couch, ready to jump up if needed.

"Lukey baby are you alright? come on love come here" Calum says opening his arms to embrace the terrified boy, but Luke doesn't run into Calums arms like he usually would, he turns back to the locked door and attempts to pull it open.

"Lukey come he-"

"NOO YOU ARE JUST GOING TO SEND ME AWAY! YOU KNOW IM BROKEN AND YOU THINK IM JUST A TOY WELL GUESS WHAT? YOU CANT JUST SEND SOMEONE AWAY AND EXPECT THEM TO COME BACK BRAND NEW AND ALL BETTER BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN! A-AND I THOUGHT YOU GUYS OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND AND I-I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO KEEP ME CLOSE!" I try to catch my breathe after the outburst, but all i can focus on is how violently my hands are shaking.

"Y-you heard?" Calum says, dropping his arms so that they rest by his sides.  
I close my eyes and nod my head.  
"L-lukey you have to understand baby, we love you so m-much! but if you are not feeling happy? or are feeling...suicidal again, we just want to give you everything you need to be happy.." 

Luke visibly tenses at the word 'suicidal' 

He tries to understand and in some ways he does, but he has felt this before, felt the betrayal from people he loves, like his parents, when they found out about lukes...habits, they sent him to therapy, because he had promised to stop if they didn't send him to therapy.

But he had never felt so useless, the fact that he had to be dropped off to some random stranger for an hour to talk about his deepest and most secretive thoughts.

"I'm not going to therapy." I say trying my best to sound strong, when really i feel like crying again.

Ashton shakes his head from the couch and i turn to Greg who is just sitting watching all of this happen, but i can see how worried he is and how he is ready to do something if luke gets out of hand. 

"Baby please see it from our point of view, and plus we haven't even looked into therapists for you a-and we haven't planned anything" I just shake my head, i loosen my grip on the clothes and watch as they fall to the ground,

The rumble on the bus is still heard but i don't care now, i don't care about anything.

"I never thought you guys would abandon me." I say with so much pain in my voice, even i can hear it.

"Lukey please baby." Mikey says, tears shinning in his beautiful eyes, i bring a hand up to stop him from pursing for a hug, i push past him and watch as Calum tries to grab my wrist.

"Lukey please, we love you!" Calum says, luke stops in his tracks and all the boys can see how tense his shoulders are through his thing t shirt.

"Don't. lie. to. me" his voice is so dark that it shakes mikey to start to cry, his soft sobs traveling around the living room.

"I can't trust you anymore..." Luke whispered to them all, 2/3s of the boys were now crying and luke couldn't look at the ones he loves upset so he turns away from them.

"Lukey you can trust us baby, we promise" Ashton says stepping forward a bit.

Luke raises an eyebrow and looks into the eye of every person in the room for a second, before turning his gaze back to Ashton, who was looking at him with such worry but also such love.

"Can i?" luke responded before turning away to slunk back to his bunk bed for the evening.

 

HEY I SHALL EDIT IT IN A SECOND BUT SO MANY PEOPLE WANTED IT NOW SO I TRIED MY BEST, KISSES <3


	6. * Mr.Clifford you seem to be extra cuddly tonight? *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS SO IN THIS CHAPTER THE POV JUMPS FROM THIRD PERSON TO LUKE, I KNOW ITS WEIRD BUT ITS JUST HOW I HAVE CHOSEN TO DO THIS CHAPTER SO JUST YEAH :D

The tension in the room was obvious the next morning, no one on the bus had gotten any sleep through the night and the other boys didn't get to go to sleep until late after promising Greg that if anything bad happened they would call him straight away.

Michael, Ashton and Calum are all in the kitchen/living/dinning room area, and its noticeable on each of their faces how much hurt they are feeling.

"I...I don't know what we are meant to do.." Ashton says, breaking the chilling silence in the early morning of 8am on their 1st traveling day out of 3.  
Michael runs a hand through his newly coloured white hair, his eyes have dark bags under them showing off his lack of sleep, 

Calum looks up from his cup of milky coffee to look at his best friends, he's so confused at what happened last night, they didn't mean to hurt Lukes feelings hell they were trying to help him!  
Shaking his head Cal turns around when Michael starts to get upset and huffy, Michaels shoulders sag even more when Ashton goes on about how 'what if Luke never forgives us' or 'ah what if he quits the band!'  
"Oh shut up Ash can't you see you're winding Mikey up!" Calum finally snaps at Ash, regretting it a second later when the eldest lad turns to look at him a bit of a pout on his lips but he just nods his head.

"I'm sorry Ash i didn't mean to snap, i just... i don't want lukey to hate us" Calum sniffles a bit while still holding Mikey in his arms, Ashton nods his head understandingly at Calum.  
"I'm sorry i didn't think of what i was saying, i'm sure he doesn't hate us, h-he was just upset at the news of therapy~" "So we are still going through with the therapy thing?" Mikey pipes up from Calums shoulder.  
Ashton looks at the other two tired boys with uneasiness in his hazel eyes, he just shakes his head with an 'i don't know' sort of shoulder shrug.  
"I mean, we do don't we?" Ashton says quietly, still aware of the fact that a very annoyed and upset Luke is a door away from their conversation.

"No, we can't we, we need to sort of whats going on with him and just, its all happened so quickly." Calum says leaning his chin on Mikeys head, Ashton and Michael give a silent nod at Calums words.  
"We should probably talk to lukes pare-"  
"Talk to whose parents?" All the boys turn to look at Luke who is standing in the doorway to the bedrooms, he is still in Ashtons clothes and his hair is messy, a sign he didn't get much sleep either the boys are guessing.

"Lukey" Michael says, pushing out slightly from Calums arms to reach out to Luke, Calum goes to pull him back but Mikey just slides out of his grasp, he walks up to Luke and just stares at him for a second, the height difference obvious, blue against green in eyes and blonde against white in hair.  
"Oh Lukey i'm so sorry, i didn't know you were listening and i don't want you to go away i promise!" Michael says pushing his face into Lukes chest and howling out loud cries that Australia could probably hear.

LUKES POV

I have a crying Michael Clifford in my arms, i don't know how i'm meant to react.

I cautiously bring an arm around Michaels shaking figure

You made him cry, well done fuck up

"They wont stop, please make them stop Mikey" I say my voice cracking half way through  
Michael pulls back from my chest and looks me in the eyes  
"Who? what wont stop baby?" Michaels eyes are full of concern but its too much i can feel all the hatred coming down again, but i'm so tired.

"The voices in my head, they, they keep telling me how i'm ugly and fat and a fuck up and its a lot to hear and i can't get to sleep because all i can hear are the voices!"  
The boys all stare at me with worry, i just shake my head and reach my arms out to Michael who has since moved away from me.  
"Can i have a cuddle?" I ask him, but then i look to the other boys too and they all nod their heads before racing into me, to make a tight and comfortable embrace.  
They all cuddle close to me and my knees almost give out from the sleepiness catching up to me, but before i can drop to the floor Ashton reaches out and holds me up, which i didn't like and let out a whine of protest at.  
"Hey, how about we go to bed? come on we can drag the mattresses and bedding onto the floor and make a big bed in the back room and maybe watch a movie?" Ashton says nodding towards the other boys, they all let out little squeals before running into the bedrooms and pulling apart the beds, Ashton stays with me, holding his big muscly arms around my shoulders, i feel a bit better but still so tired.

I'm about to fall asleep standing up with Ashton half holding me when he kisses the side of my cheek, i turn to look at him in surprise, but he just smiles at me, dimples and all.  
"What was that?" I ask him, my voice sounding higher than normal, i give a cough and try to make the blush on my cheeks go away, but i'm almost positive its permanently stuck there.  
"I think you're beautiful Luke, i really do." Ashton says his voice full of what i can only describe as love.  
Ashton reaches a hand and places it against my burning cheek, his cold hand feels really nice against it but its when he starts to lean it that i find myself lost, i don't know if i should lean in to, but without realising it i was already leaning in to kiss Ashtons lips, our lips are so close to touching and i can feel his newly minty fresh breath hitting my face, i can't believe this is happening and i'm so ready and our lips are about to touc-

"Hey guys we g-oh" Ashton and i look up to the door where Michael is standing with a sly smirk on his face but in his eyes i can see hints of jealously

He probably likes Ashton, yeah thats it

I look back to Ashton and spring back from him, my cheeks flaming even more, i look to the ground as i try to catch my breath.  
Looking back to Michael at the door i just nod my head at nothing and push past Ashton towards the bedroom door to the back living room.  
The boys talk behind me but i'm just guessing they are talking about me which is embarrassing enough.

"Hey Lukey jump on in." Calum says with a gigantic smile on his face as he lays on a homemade mound of blankets, he is in a certain sexual pose and i can't help but let out a small giggle and a toothy smile.  
I crawl into the blanket palace and smile as Calum cuddles me up into his shoulder and chest, i breathe a sigh of relief at how normal it feels, Ashton and Michael walk in a minute later and i notice how both of their clothes are a bit more askew than before and their cheeks are a tinted pink.

"Come on guys 21 jump street is about to start." They both nod and make a move to get into the bed, Ash goes to Calums side while Michael comes beside me, he gets comfortable and i just stare at him with a bit of a pained expression on my face, Michael finally looks up and meets my cold gaze, his smile wipes off his face and is replaced with one of guilt but then he snuggles up to me and kisses my neck which i shiver at, i smile then the original jealousy gone and replaced by my heart fluttering at how cuddly Michael is tonight.

I sigh and dig deep into the bed rolling over to my stomach closing my eyes, i feel Michael start to play with my hair and Calum starts to rub my back comfortingly, i can hear the boys start to mumble quiet conversations about music and movies before i'm out like a light.

HEY GUYS SORRY ITS SO SHORT BUT YOU ALL REALLY WANTED ANOTHER CHAPTER AND I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO MOTIVATION FOR THIS CHAPTER SO IF IT SUCKS IM SORRY, LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE COMMENTS, THANK YOU I LOVE YOU :* XXXXXXXX


	7. * Kissing, Mario Kart And Green Hair *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so i just want to let you know of my Tumblr! and you can request any imagines, one shots, fanfiction anything really :)
> 
> 5secondsofbeyonce.tumblr.com :D

LUKES POV

Waking up in the morning was easier than I had thought it would be I had not one single bad dream, maybe the boys are a good luck charm? I pushed the covers of the blankets back and stretched, hearing the familiar pop of my bones and back.  
I stand up and look down at the boys who are all still asleep.

They're beautiful

Wait what? no I'm not aloud to say that, they deserve better than me.  
I sigh and turn around to go to the bathroom I look in the mirror and sigh, yes my skin is bad and my hair is messy but I haven't eaten in a while and after lifting up my shirt I'm surprised when the amount of hate that comes down isn't as much as I had expected.  
"I guess I can have breakfast then.." I mumble softly in my morning voice, I shut the bathroom door trying my best to lower the amount of sound I make when there are sound sleeping boys in this bus as well.

I make myself a small bowl of cheerios and some skim milk, trying to tip toe over to the little table we have which is connected to the wall, I sit down and mumble some quiet lyrics to myself.

"Cause i'm in too deep and i'm trying to keep.." I pick up the spoon and dive it into the sugary breakfast, bringing the spoon up I bring it to my mouth, I take a breath and think about how proud the boys will be when they find out I had breakfast!

"You can do it Luke" I repeat to myself, I push the spoon into my awaiting mouth and in the horrible delight the sweetness of the cereal brings to my tastebuds, its so good and I feel so guilty.  
I place the spoon into the bowl and focus on the small amount i have in my mouth, I try to chew it so it will go down easier but I find I have trouble feeling comfortable swallowing the carb filled food.  
'The boys will be so proud, so proud' I have to do this, I need to make the boys proud, I need to make the boys pro- "Lukey?" I turn to see Ashton standing there looking at me with the biggest smile on his face, the food is still in my mouth and its only a small bit, but looking at Ashton now I allow the food to go down to my stomach with ease, I bring a hand up to wipe away the few small tears from my cheeks.  
I look to Ashton who is smiling at me in his pyjamas with morning hair.

"I'm so proud of you Lukey" Ashton says wrapping his arms around my waist and stuffing his face into my chest, and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel butterflies, I'd also be lying if I didn't feel the guilt weigh down onto my shoulders from them.

 

"Guys Luke had some breakfast today.." Ashton says proudly as the others have some toast and coffee at the breakfast table, Ashton is sitting on the couch with Luke opposite him, a blush clear on the blondes cheeks at the praise he is getting.

"Really? Lukey i'm so proud!" Mikey says smiling with his teeth and eyes sparkling  
"What did you have Luke?" Calum says with soft eyes

Luke shifts uncomfortably but says quite proudly "I um I couldn't finish my cereal so I just had an orange and a small cup of milk.." He wasn't over the moon proud of himself but with the way the boys were smiling like he had won the lottery, he very well could've felt a bit better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Michael move yo ass outta the way Cash money is coming through!" Calum calls out as he moves forward with his wii controller, Luke watches on with a smile from the couch, he has Michael between his legs and Luke is absentmindedly running his fingers through the white tuffs of hair.  
"As if we all know that my yoshi will win! Your princess peach can't catch up to me!" Michael says while moving his body as if it would speed up his car on the television.  
Ashton watches on from the other side of the room, he watches how each of the boy has their own minds concentrating on different things, Calum on beating Michael, Michael on beating Calum and Luke on playing with Michaels hair.

Ashton studied how each boy would smile, how Calum would squint his eyes, something the tan boy did and often would hide with his hands even though the boys had reassured him it was cute.  
Michael would completely scrunch his face up, and have his mouth open in an adorable little puppy way.  
And Luke would open his mouth even more and his eyes would light up with his giggle, no matter how many times he would deny having a giggle the boys knew and so did he that he had a giggle.

Ashton thought about what happened last night, kissing Luke, kissing Michael and kissing Calum when the other boys were asleep and the two were talking about Luke.

Flashback

"Ash?" Ashton turns around to face Calum who is looking at him with slight tears in his eyes and Ashton notices how the brown eyes are full of pain and sadness.  
"Whats the matter Cal?" Ashton asked with worry thick in his voice  
"I just, I-I'm so worried about Luke, w-what if he cuts too deep or does something when he's upset and then!"  
Ashton cuts off the boy by pushing his lips to the younger boys, the kiss only lasts a few seconds but when both boys pull away and Ashton can see how much more calm and relaxed the other boy is he just smiles and presses a kiss to the kiwis forehead, whispering 'night cal' before pulling the boy into his strong arms and shushing him to sleep.

End of flashback.

Ashton loves those three boys with all of his heart he has for a while now, but he doesn't know if they all like him back what with how Michael was last night...

Flashback

Michael turned to me after Luke retreated to the bed with Calum  
"So...you and Luke huh?" Michael swayed forward with every word he said, making Ashton blush a bit more before he nodded, stuttering out "i mean no, no we...we aren't n-no"  
Michael nodded his head to show he understood, Michael reached up and gently placed a hand in Ashtons messy curls.

Michael leaned forward to capture Ashtons lips but before he could Ashton leant forward to fill in the remaining gap.

The two kissed for what seemed like seconds but was probably a few minutes before Ashton pulled away when Michael started to moan into his mouth.  
"W-we should go back the boys will be w-waiting for us..." Ashton mumbled with his forehead leaning against Michaels, both of them breathing a bit heavy and their cheeks flushed.

Michael nods and stands up straight, he brings a hand up and tries to sort out his hair, while Ashton hums and does the same.

"Lets go" They both move to go to the other boys.

End of flashback

But what could come from their relationship?  
What would the fans say?  
Their parents...

Michael and Luke haven't even come out as gay...  
Ashton gets so caught up in his head that its only when Luke comes over to him and sits next to him, that he looks over to the slightly smiling boy.  
Luke turns to look at the curly haired boy and places his hand on top of Ashtons.

"I was thinking Ash...m-maybe when we get t-to New York we could all go...like out? not at night but like during the day for like a day out? I don't know we don't have to, I-I just though-"  
"No!" Ashton cut in, turing his hand palm up to hold Lukes hand properly  
"That sounds perfect, great idea Lukey." The blonde boy smiles, showing off his one dimple shyly, Ashton laughs and rubs his thumb over Lukes knuckle while they both watch the other boys playing a full on game of Mario Kart.

"Eat my ass Clifford and watch me fly!" Calum roars as the boys all watch princess peach push past Yoshi in the last few seconds of the final race, beating Michael and winning the whole cup.  
"Damn, you watch it Hood! I would have had you I-I'm just tired!"  
Luke breathes out a chuckle and squeezes Ashtons hand while snuggling down into the couch.

"Um guys I was wondering..." Michael questions turning around to look at all the boys with a bit of an embarrassed look.  
"What Mikey?" Ashton asks raising an eyebrow when he notices the boys discomfort.  
"Do...you wanna mmnjhnmhn" Michael mumbled the last part that all the boys turned around to look at each other with a confused look.

"What was that Mikey?" Cal asked rubbing a comforting hand up and down the boys back.  
"No I just... do you guys maybe want to help me dye my hair? I was...I was gonna dye it green? I don't know its probably stupid and I'll look weird and like a carrot but I thought it would look avera-"  
"Amazing." Luke says looking at Michael with kind eyes  
"You would look amazing Mikey, you have nothing to worry about and I'm sure all of us would love to help you." Ashton says letting go of Lukes hand, which causes the blonde to pout a bit, but he covers it up before the eldest boy can notice.

"Okay really? I mean thank you I was just not to sure about it but if you guys say so, do you think we could do it now?" 

We all nod our heads and move off the couches and floor and towards the bathroom to dye Mikeys hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh my god, I-I just...oh my god!" The boys all listen patiently as Michael looks at himself in the mirror and his 'brand new' green hair.  
He has been looking at himself for about 10 minutes and fussing over which way his fringe should go and whether or not he looks like he's going bald, but the other boys just assure him he looks great and to finish it off Ashton takes a photo and posts it to the band account.

"I think you look great Mikey.." Luke says shyly, while the other boys are fussing over what to get for dinner when they stop for a few short hours in the next town.  
"Thanks Lukey, I think it looks alright too" Michael says giving Luke a big grin, they sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, before they hear Ashton scream 'I'm not eating indian!' and Calum go 'Then we can't chose!' but then Mikey turns to look and smirks.  
"WHY DON'T WE ORDER PIZZA?" He yells loudly so the boys at the other end of the bus would hear, he is met with silence, before murmured agreements are made and Michael is smiling at everyone agreeing with his idea.

"Um Mikey?" Luke says quietly, fiddling with his thumbs in his lap  
"Yeah Lukey?" "Do you think I could, I don't know maybe like try to find a salad bar or somewhere with...smaller portions and not so many...carbs" Luke flinches on the last word as his mouth fills with a disgusting taste, his breakfast still feeling like it was resting heavily on his stomach, even though he ate little amounts.

"Oh yeah sure love don't worry about it, we understand it completely! pizza is probably a bit too much on your body right now yeah?" Luke just nods and smiles, glad his friends understand and aren't going to force any greasy, fatty foods down his throat.

"Oh and Lukey?" Michael says as Luke makes a move to get up to go into the other room to get some water.  
"Yeah? Mikey?"  
"I just wanted to say, the boys and I are really, really freaking proud of you, we understand that you will relapse and there will be bad days, but we just want you to know that, we are here for you okay babe?" 

Luke nods his head and smiles, he has the best friends ever and he doesn't know how he is friends with them.  
He turns and walks to the kitchen and it's only when he is leaning over the cupboards to grab a cup that he stops and thinks.

 

Babe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS JUST REMINDING YOU TO FOLLOW MY TUMBLR 5secondsofbeyonce.tumblr.com and feel free to request things and stuff like that! i am really excited to do more imagines and stuff :D


	8. * Pizza Hut Confessions *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys so sorry i haven't updated in a long time :/ i've been super busy but i hope you like this chapter and yeah some good fluff in here i reckon and let me know if you think i should have archie appear again :) xxxxxxxxxx

It's 8pm and the boys are all hungry, they have organised to go to pizza hut for dinner and they have a salad bar there so Luke doesn't have to eat pizza.  
"Okay boys you can all go get dinner, we're gonna need to be back on the road by at least 10 okay?" The boys all nod their heads at the tour bus driver who tells them to have a good time and walks away to a dinner across the road.  
"So where are we?" Michael asks as the boys make their way down the pathway which should lead straight to pizza hut.  
Calum looks around at the big signs and notices a shop saying 'Chicago Coffee'  
"Chicago" Calum answered the green haired boy, they were all walking down the over sized sidewalk, Michael on the on the left (roadside) then Luke, Ashton and Calum on the far right, Ashtons hand had brushed over Calums one too many times to be accidental.

Calum looks over to Ashton and notices the slight blush swept over the curly haired boys cheeks, he wants to laugh but doesn't want to cause the boy embarrassment.  
"Oh! Oh! I see it!" Michael exclaims pointing to the brightly lit pizza shop, the green haired boy runs up to the door but turns around to see the rest of the boys a bit behind.

"Come on! I'm hungry!" Michael keeps looking at the boys and has since stepped away from the door, but he just pouts a bit when he notices the other boys purposely taking their time.  
"Hmp" He says still looking at them but moving forward to walk through the door.  
"FUC-" Michael falls to the ground when his body makes full force with the closed door, causing him to crumple to the ground in a pouting heap.  
"Oh shifz you alright Mikey?" Ashton asks bending down next to the swearing boy, Michael looks up at Ashton and just nods his head.  
"Stupid fucking doors I mean, who put that there?!" The other boys can't help but smile as they notice their Mikey isn't hurt.  
Calum comes over to help Mikey up while Luke stands back, knowing he wouldn't be any help with his bandage still on his wrist, which speaking of he needed to get Ashton to change it tonight.  
"Okay! lets go eat" Michael says once he flings himself up and struts with extra sass towards the right door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"M'kay I want that one, that one, that one an- wait can I get more than one topping of cheese on that please? Yeah cool okay and I want tha-"  
Calum and Ashton smile at their friends antics, obviously not surprised by how much he is ordering, but while the three boys are ordering their pizza, Luke has already gotten a plate and moved to the salad bar.

Most of the salads look alright, some with questionable sauces, but for Luke it all looks like more carbs.  
"I would recommend the potato salad, the sauce isn't too heavy and the potatoes were done today." Shocked by the sudden voice in his ear, Luke turns to face a boy, maybe 19? with blonde hair with brown roots showing through, he has his hair down and just above his eyebrows, and piercing green eyes which the blonde find hard to look away from.  
"Oh um...thanks I love potato salad" Luke says feeling a blush from the strangers close quarters.  
"It's alright, I'm Archie!" The boys says pushing his hand out from his jumper pocket.  
Luke smiles politely and shakes the boys hand before turning back to the salad bar and looking over the potato salad, he looks down at the nutrition values and nearly shivers when he notices the high number on carbs.

Archie notices Luke looking at the number on the little board and frowns while looking at the blonde.  
"You shouldn't worry about the number you know, It's just a number" Turning to look at the green eyed stranger Luke starts to stutter out an explanation.  
"N-no I w-wasn't I just.."  
"It's fine" Archie says leaning closer to Luke a bit too much for his liking, but from the personality of the boy Luke happens to think he's just very friendly.  
"I'm not going to judge you..."  
"Luke"  
"Luke, so don't worry but just know that I happen to think you are very fit!" Archie finishes his speech with a grin which has Luke going weak at the knees.  
"So here" Archie grabs Lukes plate and picks up the potato salad spoon and lifts a nice portion onto Lukes plate, he turns to give the plate to Luke, and when he hands it over and their fingers touch, they both freeze, still sort of holding hands while holding a plate.  
"I um..." Luke starts to say  
"Oh hey Luke!" Ashton says grabbing the plate from the middle of the two boys and pushing his way inbetween.  
"We were looking for you babe!" Calum says walking over to the blonde boy with his jaw clenched tight, and eyes burning with jealousy.  
"Who's this?" Calum says pointing to Archie who has taken a step back to let the other boys move in, but by no means has gotten shy.  
Luke moves his gaze to the boy opposite him and shyly says "This is Ar-" "Archie!" The boy says moving to shake Calum and Ashtons hand, he smiles big and reaches to his pocket.  
"Well I better get going Luke but if you ever want someone to remind you you're beautiful, give me a call" He finishes with a bashful wink and hands Luke a bit of paper with Archies number scribbled on the top with a heart and a few 'xx'  
"O-okay I will t-thanks Archie" Luke says as he waves at the boy leaving the store.

Ashton and Calum are both glaring at the retreating boy.

Once he was out of their vision they both turned to Luke who was holding his plate of potato salad and just gazing at it with a small smile and blush clear on his cheeks.  
"Well! He seemed weird! Better throw his number away..." Calum says reaching towards the piece of paper on the edge of Lukes plate.  
"No! He was nice and he seemed interesting" Luke said scrunching his eyebrows up when the kiwi boy grabbed the number and ripped it up into little bits and threw it away into a near by trash bin.  
"There you boys are!" Michael says moving further into the table booth to make room for the others. "What took you so long?" Michael says noticing the way Calum has a protective arm around Lukes shoulders and Ashton glaring at anybody who walks by the table. Luke sighs "I just met some guy and these guys thought he was too good for me or something.." Calum quickly retracts his arm and shakes his head. "No no Lukey it's not that he was too good for you! you're too good for him! and plus you need someone who is always going to be there, someone who knows how to make you laugh, people who know how to comfort you when you cry and people who know your favourite t.v shows...." Calum trails off and looks down to his hands which are resting on the table. Ashton and Michael pick at the pizza on the table, putting a few pieces on their plates while look down. "Thanks Cal but no one would want to learn all of that about me" Luke laughs sadly and drops his fork on the plate, not having had more than a small bite. "I would" Luke looks up at Ashton from across the table shocked. "W-what?" Luke splutters out Ashton looks shocked himself for a minute, he didn't mean to say that, oh shit "O-oh I just...you know I mean we all know you so well and, and I don't know, you deserve the best Lukey.." The table is met with silence, no one sure what to say, they all want to vomit their feelings out but how do they put it? They don't know they all feel the same way about each other. "I love you all" Michael bursts out in one breath. Wait what?


	9. HELLOOOO

Hey guys I just wanted to know if you think I should start to wrap this story up or keep going?


	10. * Words caught up *

"I love you all" Michael bursts out in one breath. Wait what? Silence over takes the booth, I can feel the way Calum tenses beside me and the way Ashton snaps his head up so quick I was worried he was hurt. "Y-yeah we love you too Mikey?" Ashton says with a nervous giggle, I look to Michael who furrows his eyebrows before shaking his head profusely "no, no, no not like that, like I am i-in love w-with you..all"

Air? what is air?

I feel my lungs pressing down against my rib cage as my mind spins

_love you? haha this is obviously a joke..I mean who could love you?_

"Thank god, because I l-love you guys too" Calum says from beside me, bringing a hand and laying it on my knee, I look down to my plate which still holds a hefty amount of potato salad, "I love you all so much and I didn't want to say anything because, you know as the oldest I feel protective of you guys and I didn't want you to think I was weird" I see Mikey nod at Ashton from the corner of my eye.

_They've all confessed, are you going to?_

_Luke_

_Luke_

_are you gay?_

_Fag._

_Luke_

_Luke_

_Luke_

"Luke?" Whipping my head up from nearly face planting into my plate I look up to see the awaiting gaze of these 3 amazing boys who have just confessed the same love for me that I do them.

But I can't...

"I'm sorry" As soon as the words leave my mouth, the face splitting grin Ashton was wearing falls off his face, Mikey takes his arm off of Calums shoulders and Calum removes his hand from my knee.

"I-I just d-don't think of you g-guys like that" Lies, my mouth is spitting out lies right now and as soon as I see the heartbroken look on Michaels face I know I should have just told them the truth.

"That's fine Lukey, don't worry i-it's not your fault, really" Mikey gives me a watery smile, his eyes filling quickly with tears, "you know what? I'm actually not that hungry i'm gonna walk back to the bus, you guys can stay if you like" Ashton moves out to let Mikey go, "I might go back too I'm really tired" Ashton says before pointing a thumb behind him and turning to retreat with Michael.

"Stupid" I whisper to myself, unaware of Calum listening intently to me, "Don't worry about it Lukey honestly, we..okay yes we would have loved for you to break out into song and dance and go on about your love for us but, but we understand if you don't like us or just don't like boys" He says with a soft smile.

Shaking my head I turn to face Calum with my whole body "you can't love me" I say with a sad breathy laugh.

"What? why not?" Calum says looking like someone has just killed a puppy right in front of his eyes, he looks to me for further explanation but I don't know what I'm meant to tell him.

_You can't love me because I'm fat_

_You can't love me because I'm ugly_

_You can't love me, because I'm...me_

"It's not right" I say almost immediately regretting it with the small flame that burns into Calums eyes, "What do you mean 'not right'? What are you against gays or something?" I grab onto his bicep and try to stop myself from stuttering over useless apologies, "N-no! i'm gay! I'm gay! Cal please I'm sorry n-no you can't love me because I'm me!" 

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Lukey"

"I'm sorry" 

Calum looks at Luke with sorrow in his eyes, "Lukey, we all love you so freaking much and I know for a fact that there are two heartbroken boys who are hopelessly in love with you and are horrified that you don't like them back." "They could do better, you all could" Letting out an almost maniac laugh Calum quickly brings me into a hug "No one is better than you okay Lukey?" I nod numbly into his shoulder and take a deep breathe to calm myself down.

Calum pulls back and sends me a smile before his eyes light up a bit, "so...do you like us too?" 

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

_don't say it_

 

"yes, I've loved you guys for years" 

 


	11. * Tell me we'll get through this? *

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOAH THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING SO PLZ READ WITH CAUTION

Calums smile was one of pure and utter happiness, he looked like he had just won the freaking lottery.  
"Yes!" He exclaims jumping up and pushing one of the plates on the table forward, making a few people around us look but quickly look away after losing interest.  
"Why are you so happy? It's n-not that good is it?" I ask confused at the tan boys sudden burst of energy  
He turns to look at me and raises an eyebrow "Lukey are you serious? we are all in love with you and we were worried you didn't like us back? this is great! we need to go tell the boys! oh they wi-the boys!" Calum looks at me with wide eyes which almost make me want to say 'what?' I'm about to question him further but then he jumps towards me and starts to lightly shove me out of the booth.  
"C-Cal what are you d-doing?" I say trying not to trip out the entrance of the pizza place.  
"We need to go talk to the boys! they think you don't love them too!" He says fast walking towards the short distance to the bus, I nod my head at the sudden realisation that Ash and Mikey could be at the bus thinking I don't love them.  
"Shit" I mumble under my breath pushing myself forward so i'm just ahead of Calum.

Once we see the bus in the distance we slow down to a easier pace, our breathing starts to even out and I can finally calm down.  
"What do I say to them?" I turn to Calum, my voice shaking with insecurity and worry.  
He looks at me and brings me forward, wrapping his strong toned arms around my weak and fragile shoulders.  
Looking to each side he notices no one around.  
"Maybe I just don't tell the-"  
I'm cut off by Calum pushing forward and placing his soft plump lips onto mine.  
I don't know how I'm meant to stop myself from fist pumping the air right now but I seem to hold back.  
Calum pulls away after a few more seconds and I'd be lying if I didn't say I nearly whined at the loss of his lips.

Get a hold of yourself Luke, honestly.

He probably doesn't even like you that much.

"Ready?" Calum asks looking at me with his eyebrows raised, I just nod my head deciding to do it now before I change my mind.  
He smiles at me and rubs one of his hands up and down my shoulder in comfort, "I'll be right beside you Lukey and remember this is good news! they want to hear it" I can feel myself nodding at him but honestly my whole body feels like jelly right now, as if it's hoping to be numb when I tell the boys.  
Calum turns to open up the bus door, but just before his hand touches the handle we hear a loud crash.  
I scrunch up my eyebrows and push in front of Calum to enter the warm bus.

Walking into the living room space of the bus, Michael is crying and dry sobbing in one corner on a couch, while Ashton is pacing and mumbling things under his breath on the other side.  
"What the hell happened here?" I ask my voice firm but confused, I take in the sight of the cushions which have been thrown carelessly across the room and how a broken glass is on the breakfast table.  
"Shit come here Mikey" Calum says moving around me to go and console the still sobbing boy, I look on confused at the two before turning my attention to a frizzled Ashton.

Walking up until I am right in front of him, I place a soft hand on his shoulder feeling how tense his muscles are, he turns around to face me and it seems to be instant, his shoulders sag and he exhales all of his anger suddenly drained.  
"I'm sorry Lukey" He says bending down to sit on the kitchen booth, I nod at him and look to see Cal whispering things into Michaels ear, which seems to be helping from the way the boys breathing is slowing down and tears ceasing.  
"I'm gonna clean this glass up" I mumble shuffling to the cupboard near the kitchenette.  
Grabbing a brush and dustpan I move to the table and start to sweep, but as i'm getting to the big parts my hand brushes against a rather sharp edge.  
"Shit" I say as soon as I see the blood blossoming out of the clean swipe of a cut, "Fuck Lukey shit shit" I hear Ashton shout but i'm not listening far too intrigued by the sight in front of me.

Fuck thats good  
See Luke the boys probably set this up so you would hurt yourself  
fag

Shaking hands come to my hand, being weary of the blood which is slowing increasing.  
I look up to meet a red eyed Mikey, "I'll clean the rest up, you go and let Ash deal to your cut bab-Luke." I nod at him but nearly wince at the way he said my name, like he wanted to say more but didn't want to step the boundaries.  
I never got to tell the boys and I know I need to before the tension gets worse.  
"Okay Lukey this won't hurt but it's disinfectant so it might smell bad" Ashton says moving to clean the cut, I watch him fix me up and I can't help but let my mind wonder.

'Yeah, I definitely love this boy' I look over to see Michael cleaning up the glass while being extra careful, his adorable tuffs of green hair and pouty lips 'yeah, I definitely love this boy' "Lukey do you have something to say?" Cal says looking at me with his eyebrows raised and mouth slightly opened 'Yeah' I smile 'I definitely love these boys'  
"Boys?" I say not moving too much because Ashton is finishing up my bandage, when he's done a few seconds later I thank him and look at each of them.

"About back there" I start off trying to find the right way to say all my words

come on luke  
is this what you want?  
come on!  
come on!

"I do love you guys, a-all of you a-and I don't mind if that makes me weird b-because whenever I'm with you guys the bad thoughts go away and it's nice" Trying my best to keep my eyesight off the floor I look at each of them expectantly, but when I'm about to ask if they heard me I have Michael jumping over with a big shit eating grin on his face.  
"AWWWW LUKEY YAYYYYYY" He cuddles into my neck while straddling my waist, I laugh an actual laugh one that I didn't have to force out.  
"Does this mean we're dating?" Calum asks smiling and making his eyes squint slightly, I look at each of them and nod my head "Unless you guys don't want to" I say a frown forming on my face.  
"No, no, no w-we want to don't worry" Ashton says looking to Cal before they both join me and Michael on the couch and we make a big awkward pile of boys.

Fag fag fag fag fag fag

"Don't worry babe, we'll get through this together" Calum says pushing his nose against my cheek.

Yeah, maybe we will? 

But even with the new found hope, I couldn't let go of the thoughts that they would be better off without me.


	12. Hotels

We spent that night all cuddled up on our little bed blanket thing that was still on the floor, it was nice to say the least. I had Ashton spooning me from behind and Calum cuddling me into his chest and Mikey was spooning Calum. Yes, I am still a bit confused at how this will work but to be honest it looks like it will be alright, and I must say I'm noticing how hopelessly in love with the boys I am.

Worthless. Die. Kill yourself. Fuck up. Fag.

"Hey Lukey how'd you sleep babe" Cal mumbles in his irresistible morning voice, he pulls me back into his warm bare chest and closes his eyes once again. We arrive at the hotel today and I know we're all thankful to get off this bus and into a non moving room, plus the boys have already made plans for us to all room together no matter what.

Sighing I look over and notice Mikey still asleep and I can hear Ashton still lightly snoring, I cuddle into the warmth a bit while making sure not to hurt the scabs underneath the long sleeved shirt I'm wearing.

We have 3 more days off including today and i'm just trying to sort my brain out before we have to go back. I know deep down that it's always an option to just not go back for a while but I do like performing, I mean aside from the hate and all the mean things thrown at me on stage and said on twitter, it's fun and I love it.  
"What should we do for breakfast?" Ashton mumbles into my neck, his voice low and scratchy from sleep.  
"Whatever lukey wants" Michael calls out from his position of lying half on top of Calum who doesn't seem to mind at all.

Ashtons grip tightens around my waist as he kisses under my ear before whispering "What would you like today babe?" I shiver at how hot he's making me feel, the way I can still feel his lips pressed against my hot skin makes me want more, more of his loving touch, of all the boys loving touch.

"Could we just-like you boys choose what you want? I just, I'm n-not hungry right now.." I try to stutter out, I turn around a bit to look at Ashtons face and its basically what I expected, worry is washing over his face but also pity and love.  
"That's fine baby just make sure you have something before we get to the hotel alright? thats all we ask." I feel myself nod at the curly haired boys words before sighing a bit and just relaxing back onto the floor.  
"We get to the hotel at about 11:30-11:50am guys so i'm going to get up now and start some breakfast." Cal says cradling Michaels head and slowly shuffling him off of his body and onto the floor to replace Cals previous position. Once he has managed to get the kitten like boy off him he jumps up and smiles at the two boys watching him before bundling into the kitchen.

"How you feeling today Lukey?" Ashton asks, I don't want to say bad because then they will get worried and stressed and I don't want to do that to them, but then I can't say fine because well, i'm not. And also i'm an absolutely terrible liar to the boys and they know that, they would be able to see through my act easily.

"I'm not sure." I say trying to keep my voice from wavering, Ashton nods against my back like he knows, like he understands, but thats the thing, he doesn't.  
None of them do? they all were going to send me off and, I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen.

The thought of running away never really left my mind, I just sort of pushed it to the back of my mind until I could deal with it, but thinking about it now it seems like a better idea. I mean the boys could all be happy together without having to constantly worry about their weird boyfriend who's losing his mind and he's still a kid. They won't have to worry about always checking up on me and my stupid problems. 

Run away then ~

The voice whispers, adding into the current problem in my head.

Could I? 

Yes~ 

People would miss me surely...

They would get over you quickly, you're easy to forget ~

Oh.

So, I guess i'm running away?

NOTE 

WELL THAT WAS TERRIBLE, I AM SO SORRY THAT WAS BAD AND IM WORKING ON A MUCH BETTER NEXT CHAPTER WHICH WILL BE LONGER AND ALL THAT IM SORRY THIS IS SO BAD BUT YEAH MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY WATTPAD ITS JUST 5SECONDSOFTUMBLR AND ITS GOT THIS STORY AND YOU GET NOTIFIED WHEN I UPDATE WHICH IS SO GREAT BUT YES HERE YOU GO :) xxx


	13. WATTPAD

HI EVERYONE THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT OF THIS STORY, IN ORDER TO MAKE YOUR READING EXPERIENCE BETTER I HAVE MADE A WATTPAD ACCOUNT AND THIS STORY AND MY OTHERS WILL BE ON THERE, IT WILL TELL YOU WHEN I UPDATE UNLIKE THIS SITE SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE FEEL FREE TO READ THIS STORY ON HERE 

http://www.wattpad.com/user/5secondsoftumblr


	14. Planning

We finally arrived at the hotel and were greeted by a massive group of screaming fans, the boys all stopped and smiled for pictures, I was looking particularly terrible today so I just stuck with autographs. We were given our room cards and I overheard the boys telling Greg that they will be sharing one room because they don't want me out of their sight. They are being sweet, and I know I should be grateful to have people who care about me, but I don't see why they would? I'm nothing compared to them, they're so much better than me, yet they still stay?

"Okay Lukey we're on the 3rd highest floor, how cool is that?!" Ashton says picking up his and my bag and smiling at me as we make our way to the elevator. I nod my head at the curly haired boys excitement, but I notice Calum staring straight at me from the hotel counter, where he is talking to Greg.  
They are too far away for me to hear what they are saying but from the way Calum is slightly frowning it can't be amazing news, he stares at me for a bit longer before turning back to look at Greg and nods his head.  
"Luke?" Ashton touches my arm softly, I turn to look at him and I notice, him and Michael both standing in the otherwise empty elevator waiting for me.  
"Oh! Sorry just got distracted." I say blushing a bit and moving to the corner of the box.  
They both smile at me as Calum jogs over to join us before the doors close.  
The boys all make small talk while we go up and up, but I find myself too engrossed in my own mind to focus.

I could leave tonight? No get a good nights rest.  
What about tomorrow? Possibly.  
I'm running away? You're running away.

"So any movie requests for tonight boys?" Michael asks as he opens the door to the very spacious hotel room.  
The walls are a soft creme colour and there is a massive window which overlooks the busy city. I move to sit on one of the inviting soft chairs near the window.

"Okay Luke what do you want to eat? you didn't have breakfast and didn't eat on the bus after, so choose now or I will." Calum says going over to look in the fully stocked kitchen. I shudder at the thought of food and awkwardly fiddle with a loose thread on the long sleeved shirt of Ashtons which i'm wearing.  
"Luke?" Calum says turning to look at me with strong eyes.   
I look down and pull my hands into a tight fist around the ends of the sleeves and push them into my thighs.  
"Fine then you're having...chicken and corn soup!" Calum exclaims from the other side of the hotel room, I close my eyes to stop the tears from trailing down my cheeks, I turn my head to face out the window as I feel some escape my eye.   
There's talking for a bit, but i'm just focusing on making sure my breath doesn't get out of hand.  
"Here's your soup Luke." Calum says placing it beside me and sitting down a bit too close for my liking, I turn when he starts to blow on the soup and bring the spoon to the side of my head.  
"Here ya go Lukey come on it smells good!" Cal tries desperately to get me to have some of the soup, but I can't, if I have that soup i'll get fat and I can't be fat.  
"No." I say, I watch as Calums eyebrows furrow and Mikey and Ashton turn from where they were perched on the kitchen bench.  
"What do you mean no? come on Luke please eat it." Calum says moving the spoon forward to my mouth, I shake my head and move closer to the edge of the couch and of course perfect timing, my stomach decides to make an inhuman loud noise which makes Calums lips turn into a pitiful pout.   
"Luke just one mou-"  
"NO" I say pushing myself off the couch and standing like a deer in headlights, I see Ashton and Michael come forward with their arms almost above their head to show they mean no harm, Calum has stood up and is slowly approaching me.  
"Babe I'm sorry but you need to eat." Calum gets closer and I can't handle it, I run forward and slip out of his grasp, Michael and Ashton see me coming and I push forward in the hopes of getting past them, but when i'm nearly away Ashtons hand pushed out and grips the lower back of my shirt, which makes me fall backwards hopelessly and give Michael the perfect amount of time to get up and lightly place himself on my stomach so I don't try to get away again.

"Lukey just stay still babe and this will be over quickly okay?" Calum says coming over with the warm bowl of soup, I start to shake my head and clench my mouth shut.   
"Open up love" Ashton says holding my arms down with a sad smile and tears in his eyes.  
"Mikey love can you please hold his nose?" Calum asks Michael nicely.  
After about 10 seconds I feel my head start to go light so I open my mouth and greedily take in as much air as I can.  
"Got it!" Calum says pushing the spoon into my mouth and then closing it so I can't spit it out.   
The taste is disgustingly delicious and I hate myself so much when I find myself wanting more.  
"No no no please no Ash Cal Mikey no please don't" I yell as they all start to softly cry expect for Calum who keeps his face stone cold and keeps feeding me, I continue to cry until I eventually get too tired and my voice is nearly gone.

"I'm so sorry baby" Calum says scooping me up from the floor, I just nod my head and turn to cry into his stomach from where he is kneeling and i'm lying.  
"You're so brave sweetheart" Mikey says patting my hair in a loving way  
"We love you Lukey" Ashton presses a soft kiss into my hair and I find myself wondering what the hell I would do without these boys?


	15. Running Away

The rest of the day in the hotel was spent doing nothing crazy, I had a nap after my episode and Michael joined me after a bit and we just cuddled, he said he liked calling me his 'little kitten' and I just shivered under his gaze as he rubbed comforting circles on my stomach. Ashton and Calum went out for a bit to get some things from downstairs and to sort out what we left in the tour bus, they told us they wouldn't be long so I wasn't too worried.  
But right now I was alone in our bedroom, Michael was in the shower and Ash and Calum were still out.  
I decided to go onto twitter for a bit on Michaels phone to see what was happening with everybody, I log on and the first thing i see is my dash exploding, a bit more so that usual, I try my best to read one of the stories and when I finally do, I wish I didn't. 

ASHTON IRWIN AND CALUM HOOD SEEN WITH TWO MYSTERIOUS BOYS LAUGHING IN CAFE, MR HOOD MANAGED TO GET EXTRA CLOSE TO ONE OF THE BOYS WHILE MR IRWIN WAS LEANING ON THE OTHER.

I look at the comments and see lots of fans asking who the boys were and if Calum and Ashton were dating the boys.  
The story goes on but I push it away, no no no they wouldn't do this! We haven't been dating long enough for them to do something like this!   
I start to hyperventilate at the thought of them coming back to the hotel and talking and seeing twitter and knowing I know.

This is your time Luke, take it.

They obviously never loved you! they just wanted to be nice! run now! 

I jump off the bed before I can think about it more, i run over to the side of the room where my still unpacked bag rests and pick it up, i rush through the bedroom and over to the front door, on my way I pass the kitchen top and see a pad of paper and some pens, sighing i stop for a second and write a few words on the piece of paper before rushing out with the bag on my back.

I go down the elevator as there is no time to wait in case Ashton and Calum come back and catch me. I pull my hood up and reach into my bag for anything to cover my face, I reach around until I feel a soft material and pull it out.  
There in my hand lies one of Ashtons bandanas, the blue one, the one he gave to me because i would always hold onto it when i had a bad night, even before we all got together.

Clenching it in my hand i sigh and reach into my bag again and pull out my sunglasses, i put them on and wrap the bandana around me neck, it looks a bit weird in the elevator mirror but i honestly don't care.  
As soon as the big gold doors of the moving box opened i rushed out and headed straight for the big shiny hotel front doors.  
Once out into the day i realised how it was lat evening to early night, and i was just lucky there wasn't any paparazzi out at this time, i looked left and right and sort of stood bewildered for a bit, i was about to think about turning back into the hotel but i then saw a taxi stop not too far away as a lady got out.

I ran to the taxi and just as the lady was closing the door i stopped her and nodded at her, not smiling because of the bandana, "Excuse me could you take me to a hotel on the otherside of town?" i ask him not quite sure of what i'm doing to be honest.  
The old man with a dented frown line in his forehead looks me up and down before nodding his head and pointing a finger at me to hop in and close the door.

"Thank you" I say as he starts to drive the car in the opposite direction of the boys and i hotel.  
"No problem kid, but what hotel exactly did you want to go to?" he asks me looking into his rearview mirror and right into my eyes.  
"Just somewhere far away and preferably not too expensive." I say now thinking about how i'm going to survive off the what-$1000-2000 in my wallet? i can live off it for a while but at some point i'll need to get a job, and dye my hair and get some bad fake glasses, maybe even a wig if i need to, i just can't let them find me, i'm out now.

Leaning my head tiredly on the window i think about my family, i won't be able to see them anymore, maybe i could send letters but not with a stamp or anything, just to let them know i'm okay and i love them.   
I pull my phone out from my pocket and check twitter, but i see nothing about my disappearance and while one side of my brain thinks that the boys just haven't found the note yet, the other side is telling me they just don't care.

"Okay kid here ya go, this hotels nice, got a pool and all, its about $90-100 a night? so hopefully that works for you?" i just nod at him and smile, reaching down to my wallet i see the man bring a hand up, "Listen kid i may not be the smartest pencil in the...pencil...case, but i know when someone needs a break and you look like you could use one, i don't know whats going on for you but let me tell you, it gets better. No charge kid." I look at the taxi man for a few seconds before smiling and nodding at him for a thank you, i pick my bag up and get out of the car and watch it drive away.

I turn behind me to look at the nice looking hotel, it's not as good as the last one, but i don't care, i just need a bed because it's already 7pm and i need to get a room.  
Walking in i pull down my bandana but keep my glasses on and hood up, i can't take any chances around here.   
Going to the front desk i ring the little bell and wait until a perky woman comes up to me with a big toothy grin.  
"Hello how may i help you today sir?"   
"Yeah i was wondering if it was possible to get single room? preferably on a high floor?"   
She types something into the system and smiles  
"Absolutely sir, and what name is that under please."   
I look around and make sure no one is looking before i mutter quietly,  
"Fletcher Thomas" She smiles and types some more before asking how long i plan to stay and if i would like to pay now or later?  
"For around 2 days and later thank you." I say, she reaches under her desk and pulls out a room card, and when she finally hands it over to me I mutter a quiet "thank you" before pulling the bag on my back a bit tighter and heading for the stairs.

I make it to the 24th floor after about 20 minutes, i'm coughing and wheezing a bit but i feel much better, my head a bit lighter and my pain focusing on my body and not my mind for once.  
I walk down the shiny hallway to my room, 215.  
Swiping the card, I breathe a sigh when it opens and i enter the warm room, I kick off my shoes and pull of the glasses and bandana, i look to the carefully made bed and walk slowly up to it, i shed my jeans and take my phone out of my pocket before chucking it onto the floor and climb into bed.  
It's cold. Thats the first thing i notice, the second thing is how sore my legs are from running up the stairs.

I tap on my phone until it opens up twitter and i almost choke at what i see.

@Michael5sos hey guys i don't want to alarm anyone but if you see luke please take a picture and send it to me or one of the boys? lukes a bit lost right now...

@Ashton5sos hi everyone please keep an eye out for luke! we really need to know where he is x

@Calum5sos Luke, come home please.

What have I done?


	16. Looking for Luke

A/N Hello! I don't normally do too many notes but i just wanted to say how happy I am that people like this story??? it's crazy! I am starting to go through and editing chapters to make all spelling mistakes and things like that correct. But honestly logging on and seeing people have left comments makes my day, I hope you're all finding this story enjoyable and are liking what I am doing, everything has a reason for happening I promise. But yeah if anyone is still reading this note I just want to basically say THANK YOU :D xxxx

Lukes pov (as always)

Waking up in the morning was odd, all night I was awoken by nightmares of the boys being killed and me just having to watch, I woke up around 4 times through the night in a cold sweat. I layed in the comfy bed for a few more minutes trying to wrap my mind around what happened yesterday, I ran away...I Luke Hemmings ran away, ran away from my dream job which I didn't deserve.

I wondered if anything had happened since the boys tweets, I logged onto twitter, making sure that location had been disabled for everything so that they can't trace me and that I can't recieve any texts or calls or emails of any kind, and what I see made me jaw drop.

#LukesLost

#ComeHomeLuke

#LookingForLuke

#FindLuke

#LukeWatch

Luke Hemmings

Run away

Luke Hemmings Dead

Those were all the trends worldwide, I felt my stomach go a bit queasy at the thought of all those people looking for me, I tapped on a few tweets and saw big search parties looking for me already, I thought they had to wait a few days? But then again I did say I was running away...well shit.

Racing up from the bed I push open the door to the small bathroom, I crouch in front of the toilet and puke what little food I had in my stomach out. I sit there long enough for my knees to start aching and my arms to push me back. I need to get out of this city before people find out where I am! What if they close all exits? What if I can't get out? They'll make me get locked up so I won't try to run again?! Thinking all of this made my breathing start to quicken and before I know it I have flushed the toilet weakly and wipped the back on my mouth with some toilet paper, before I crawl over to my bed and grab my phone, clutching it to my chest. My vision starts to go blurry from my breathing not slowing down. I look to my bag by the door and try to move to get my pills to help my panic attacks, but before I can get there, I fall to the ground with a thud and am enveloped into darkness.

*ASHTONS POV* (what?? cray cray!!)

I open the door to the hotel room weakly, I've been out in the city trying to look for clues on finding Luke, or even a trace of Luke. I walk through to the bedroom and see Michael lying motionless on the bed, his eyes red and watery as some tears still trail down his cheeks. Calum is on his laptop on the ground lent up against a wall with a furious stern look on his face, determination. Me and the boys are determined to find Luke, when Cal and I came back to the room last night to find a rushed note on the kitchen counter top simply saying.

I'm sorry but I have to leave, I've caused enough trouble already.

Calum immediately called Greg to tell him the information and from then on we've had people all around the busy city looking for the blond boy and now I'm only just getting back at 8am, completely exhausted and a little bit saddened that we hadn't found Luke yet.

"Come here Mikey." I say quietly to the absolutely crushed boy on the bed, I try to keep my movements quiet as I lay down next to my boyfriend, as to not break the silence thats settled as a layer in the room. "We will find him, you hear me? We will get our Luke back okay?" I say as I rub his back comfortingly while pulling him closer into my chest, I can feel his tears wetting my shirt and making me ache more for the blond boy to be here so that everything can be alright again and we can all just be happy boyfr-"Its my fault isn't it?" I hear a small voice say from my chest, I pull away from Michael quickly to show how strongly I'm speaking.

"Michael listen to me when I say this, is not your fault, okay? Luke just needs some help and we will find him and it will be fine and we will get through this together!" I say tears of my own starting to fall down my cheeks as I pull Mikey close to me again, I hear a quiet click and look up to see Calum coming over to us as well, he comes over to lay on the otherside of Michael and wraps his arms around the both of us. "We will find our baby." He says as we all cuddle closer and just try to give comfort as well as take. 

After we all finished our cuddling we felt the need to get back into looking for Luke, Calum took charge as I was basically tripping over my own feet at how tired I am, but I won't go to bed, I need to help find Luke, I know I won't be able to have an easy sleep until he is safe and happy with us again. 

"Okay Mikey, you go downstairs and go with Greg to look around town, you talked to Luke about colours he could dye his hair before so in case he has you'll have an idea on what he would do! I'm going to go down and go and talk to the local taxi company and ask if anyone gave Luke a ride somewhere? It might help lead us to a certain part, and Ashton, you go to bed, you look absolutely out of it so you won't be going anywhere, but the quicker you go get some rest the quicker you can be back out there, looking for Luke, everyone happy? good." Michael and I just nodded at Calum quickly before we all went out own ways.

"Oh and boys? Keep your phones on at all times and try to text or call Luke when you can, but just remembr Luke isn't completely dumb so he won't answer you straight away or anything, but be persistent!" And that was that, I went to the bedroom and immediately curled up, trying not to think about the blond giant that used to cuddle with me.

We will find Luke.

*Lukes pov*

I blink my eyes slowly as I gain my vision back and the feeling in my body. Moving slightly so I can lean against my bed, I take it slowly as I realise I must have fainted from my panic attack earlier. 

Normally the boys are there to calm me down, not anymore. 

I push myself and tell myself to not think like that, after all I was the one who left? I was the one who got into that taxi and I was the one who ranaway? So why do I feel so much regret?...

I sigh and rub my hands together before looking up the ceiling. I left but I think i'm regretting it? I want to say I'm not but I am? I want to be back home, with the boys, all cuddled up in their strong embraces, feeling happy, feeling safe. 

"Why are you so stupid Luke?" I call out to myself.

"Why can't you do anything right?!" I can feel the anger bubbling up inside of me.

I push myself up and walk over to my bag, I shuffle through it until I find what I need, I pull out the small box and move to the bathroom, I sit down and lean against one of the still slightly warm heaters, I open the box and empty the contents into my hand, my razor.


	17. A Lead

Calum went downstairs and saw big groups of fans pressed up against the hotel glass walls, he shakes his head and moves away towards the side desk, where a policeman has offered to accompany him to the taxi building. 

"Hello Mr Hood, I say we skip the talk and just go straight to the main taxi service station?" Calum nods his head firmly and walks with the man down to the back exit and into a fancy black car which almost smells expensive. 

"So we have located that the main taxi service in the area is City Taxi and their main building is on the otherside of town, so it should take about 20 minutes to get there, so feel free to keep on the social media and asking if people have seen Luke at all." The policeman gives Calum a reassuring smile before opening his big book filled with different papers and forms, and some photos of Luke which we have placed on the news and in multiple magazines and newspaper stands.

Calum rubs his hand over his tired face, he knows he has to stay strong for the others, they will not loose their minds over this, we can't say maybe, maybe we'll find Luke? 

No.

No, we will find Luke.

I'll make sure of it, if its the last thing I do.

*lukes pov*

The small bathroom looks like a murder scene, my arms bleeding excessively and bloods dripping onto the floor and making a small puddle form around my body. I see my phone lying beside me, my arm feels so heavy and it's not the normal heavy, the normal one I beg for, no, no this is different. It's almost like i'm loosing...too much blood.

"G-Gotta call the b-boys" I move my other arm to reach for my phone, but it's usless, both arms feel too heavy and too weighed down. My eyes feel like they're looking into the direct sun, I don't like it, the feeling is pushing in on me and making even breathing a difficult and painful task.

'Come on Luke, Come on!' My mind tells me, 'just think about the boys..' 

I roll my body towards my phone a bit more and let my arm flop down so it's next to the iphone, I slowly put my password in and go to settings, I turn on my service so I can get texts and calls, now I just need someone to call me.

Please call me boys, anyone, please.

*Ashtons pov*

I wake up very groggy, my head feels a bit better but quite fuzzy and I can feel dried spit on my chin. I roll over and groan a bit at the pain in my back, where are the boys? I think to myself.

Luke.

"What the fuck?" I sit up quickly and stand up out of bed, I grab a shirt and chuck it on before slipping on some shoes and running to the kitchen.

"Where's my phone? phone, phone, phone." I mumble to myself as I search high and low for the phone, I need to try calling Luke again. I finally find it sitting on the counter top, I click the button and see the time flash up along with a picture of me and all the boys smiling in front of Calums house in Sydney, oh how I miss feeling all of them around me and it hasn't even been 48 hours! I notice that it's 2pm and I realise i've been asleep for longer than I had planned. 

"Luke" I mutter walking over to the living room to sit down on a plush black fancy chair, as I scroll through my contacts and finally find Luke under 'Penguin boy' I smile at the name to which the blond boy giggled quietly at under his breath on one hot day back in Aussie. Thinking of Australia made me think of Lukes mum, and how she was sobbing horribley on the phone when Greg told her, she was planning to come out but the next flight is in a few weeks, so she just told us to keep her posted on everything and anything. 

I click call on Lukes number for the 500th time in 24 hours, knowing that I won't even hear a dial tone is what tends to kill me, Luke could be anywhere, dying in a bin, getting mugged and left in the cold or even jumping off a bridge..., I shake my head at the thought and get ready to hang up and try again, when I hear the heavenly sound of beep beep beep, meaning its dialing his actual number.

"Holy shit luke?!" I yell into the phone, before I realise it's still dialing and only just ringing now, I stand up and run a hand through my messy curls, the busy street below the hotel is loud from the windows opened up to the beautiful balcony but i'm deafening the sound out and only listening intenetly to the phone, the call which could bring Luke back. 

"Pick up, pick up, pick up.."

Click

 

There's silence on the line for a few seconds before I quietly mumble out from my scratchy throat 

"Luke?" 

"Ash? Help plea-"

And i'm met with the killing silence, which lets me know Lukes been cut off or has hung up.

*Calums pov*

"Okay so we can get the information you are both wanting but i'm afraid it will take at least 2-3 days minimum, we can get started now and just hope for the best?" The nice man from City Taxis explains to us, I nod my head tiredly at him, it's 10pm and I just want to go back to the hotel with Luke, but it sounds like it's going to take longer than expected. 

"Well thank you very much and yes starting now sounds like the best idea, I'll stay and help but Mr Hood I advice you go back to the hotel and just be with the others, I can tell they need it right now." Rodger I learned his name says to me before telling me a car was out front for me and turning back to talk to the head of City Taxis. 

I get into the car and put on my seatbelt, I pull out my phone and check facebook, twitter and tumblr for any signs of Luke, I don't need anymore people telling me that it will be alright, I just want Luke back and it's driving me nuts not having him here and feeling like I didn't do anything to stop him. People are saying so many different ideas as to why he left, lots of fans who don't know the full story are saying maybe he left because he felt like he wasn't appreciated enough in the band? or that the famous life just wasn't for him?

But I know what it was, he saw me and Ashton with those boys, the fans that had sat down and asked for photos and gotten just a bit too close for out liking, but we had smiled and been nice, they were fans afterall. But I hate thinking that Luke saw something about it and thought we were cheating or something like that, because I could and never would do that to those boys, or anyone. 

I close down my phone after sending a few texts to Luke and saying how 'I love him' 'hope he's safe wherever he is' and that 'we need him home to function properly' I lean my head against the window and watch as rain washes down the glass, my eyes are drooping and I just want home, home with my boys.

Where are you Luke? Come home.


	18. Dead Battery

Lukes pov

It flashed bright on my screen.

OUT OF BATTERY 

My whole body ached from the cuts and my vision is getting blurred around the edges, my body feels like its falling and I don't have any energy to stop myself when I fall over and unfortunately I bang my head on the side of the bath, and I'm enveloped into darkness.

I wake up to the crack of thunder later, I sit up groggily and bring a hand to my searing head, it feels like a million little drummers are hitting my brain.  
My legs almost give out as I push myself up while holding the side of the bath, I look down and see my arms coated in a layer of dried blood and I can feel my mouth fill with bile, I push it down and press a hand into my stomach when it growls loudly from the lack of food. I bend down to pick up my phone which is dead and covered in blood as well, luckily nothing damaging the inside, so hopefully I can find its charger and just charge it up.  
I close the door to the bathroom behind me and move to my bed, I see my bag leaning against the bottom of it. Fishing through my bag I pull out a few things, including an apple which I had grabbed from the hotel before I left, I can cut it up and have a bit later I don't want to pass out again for whoever knows how long. I finally find the cord and pull it out with a happy 'ah' 

I shuffle over to the side of my bed to plug it into the socket, I wait for the little light to show up so I know that its charging, when it comes up I sigh out of relief and lay back onto the bed completely exhausted. I'm really regretting leaving the boys now, I just want to go back and I can't stand being away from them anymore.

Thinking about going back home isn't an option though, I've left? They probably wouldn't even want me back by now, I know they're looking for me but it's probably just so people don't think they are bad people, which they aren't, they're good people, they just unfortunately had to meet me.

Sighing I run a bloody hand through my hair, I'm really grossed out by the feeling of the blood on my hands, so I tell myself to get up and move to the bathroom. I flip up the knob on the shower which immediately radiates hot steam and water into the bathroom, I let my muscles unclench at the feeling of the warmth surrounding my once cold and sore body. I pull off the dirty clothes, my top absolutely saturated with blood and my pants with only a few specks and a little bit on the ankle cuffs. I shimmy off my pants and boxers, bringing up a hand to help me balance off the wall to get into the shower, I feel myself relax at the feel off the water on my back, I turn around to get some on my chest, but I forget about my cuts and gasp when I feel the pinching pain of water going in them, I slowly bring a hand up to wipe away the slowly moving blood. 

I don't know how long I stayed in the shower but it was long enough for the skin on my fingers to turn wrinkly, my nose crinkled at the sight and I decided it was time to get out and bandage my cuts, which had luckily stopped bleeding and were no longer painful when the water hit them.  
It takes awhile of pulling things out of the bathroom cupboards before I finally find a small first aid kit, it doesn't have much but I didn't expect it too, but it has enough, some disinfectant, bandaids and cotton balls to put the disinfectant on. I try my best not to gag at the awful smell that the disinfectant lets off, I then undo a bandage and wrap it securely around my wrist, before I move onto the other wrist. 

By the end I haven't done a terrible job, but it's enough for me to be tired and ready to go to bed, I go over to my phone and click on the home button, it lights up with the time, 9:37pm wow I must've been asleep for a long time! My phone beeps with a new message and I swipe to see the list 

37 NEW MESSAGES 

(11) CAL  
(14) MIKEY  
(12) ASH

"Fuck!" I yell at myself and sit up more in my bed, trying to be careful of my bandages. I swipe open one of Cals messages.

From CAL   
To LUKE  
Luke I doubt you're even reading this, I'm so fucking confused because one second you were here and the next you're gone and we have police in our hotel room telling us they're trying their best to find you. Mikeys a mess he hasn't eaten since you've been gone, which is 3 days...3 days too long, I don't know where you are, if you're even in the same city as us anymore, I don't even know if you're a-alive and that scares me shitless enough. I understand you're going through a lot, are you eating? have you..c-cut yourself? I don't know, I really hope not. Ashton hasn't been sleeping well and I hear him crying at night for you, I don't want you to feel guilty, not at all, but its so hard to not be angry at you, we want to help you! Why do you have to run away? We love you, we need you. Anyway I'm probably sending this to your phone which you've dumped somewhere, we had a lead on you but the taxi service came up blank and everythings looking dark, I don't want to say goodbye Lukey, I love you and..see you soon xxx

"He misses me." I mumble to myself, I let my finger hover over the 'call' button for Cals contact.  
I'm basically giving up myself, running away was pointless all i've done is sit in this hotel passing out, not eating and sleeping. And the boys sound like they've been through hell. 

I tap my phone and open up twitter, I notice that a few of the hashtags are gone but they are just replaced by new ones 

#LukeWeLoveYou

#StayStrongLuke

Luke Hemmings Missing

#3DaysWithoutLuke

#5SOSFAMLovesLuke

I click on a few hashtags and see some news stories and some cute tweets from fans, I take a deep breath and search up the boys accounts, just to see if they have posted anything else. 

Calum had tweeted some lyrics

"When we both fall asleep underneath the same sky.  
To the beat of our hearts at the same time.  
So close but so far away." #ComeHomeLuke

Michael tweeted 

if you see Luke please contact your local police #LukeWeLoveYou

Ashton hasn't tweeted anything since I last checked.

Sighing I go back to Calums contact and click on the ring button, I flinch when my finger presses down but none the less put the phone to my ear.

I wait a few seconds, not letting myself even breathe.

"L-Luke?" Calums worried and tired voice comes through my speaker.

"H-Hey Cal." 

"Holy fuck Luke please tell me where you are Luke we need you fuck I can't even think shit anything! We'll do anything if you just come back!" I feel myself smile sadly at the sound of one of my boyfriends voice.

"I miss you so much Cally" I whisper quietly trying to hold back the tears.

"Please just tell us where you are Lukey."   
"Calum who are you talking to?" I hear faintly in the background and it wasn't hard to guess it was Ashton.

"Calum things will be so different, they'll lock me up! I can't do that." I say leaning back on the bed as I weigh out my options.

"Calum is that Luke?!"   
"Luke? Wheres Luke?"   
"Lukey?!!"   
"Cal are you talking to Lukey?" 

"Shh guys I can't hear, yes I'm talking to Luke." I hear Calum mumble to the other boys and I can hear someone start to cry, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. 

"Lukey I promise you'll be fine, we won't get you locked up you'll be with us and we can face anything and everything together please just tell us where you are."

I wait for a few seconds as I think of my response.

"I'm on the opposite side of town at a small hotel something like the keepers hotel or something I'm room 215 on the 24th floor." I wheeze out.

"Keepers hotel on the otherside of town room 215 24th floor!" Calum yells out to the boys and I hear rustling so i'm guessing they're on their way.

"Luke we will be there as soon as we can okay? Just hold on baby we love you so much!" I smile at Calums words and the other boys echoes in the background

"I love you to-" I'm cut off when I look down at my phone and see I accidently unplugged it and it turned off again, I sigh and shove the charger back in and put my phone beside me, I'm so tired but looking around I need to clean up. Just from my bed I can see some razors and bloody tissues. 

"Should get up." I say as I cuddle further into the blankets.  
"But i'm so tired..." 

I'm asleep before I can hear the knocking on my door.

 

A/N Guess whos a bitch who hasn't updated in forever?? meeeeeeee im sorry i suck more updates v v soon probs tomorrow ily ily ily ily im sorry if you hate me i hate me too :( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	19. Windows

Light seeps through the hotel room curtain, landing but of course right on my face.   
"Stupid light." I mumble as I put my hands up to block out the death rays hitting my face, but my hands hit something soft which whispers 'ow!'   
I open my eyes immediately at that and look beside me to see a soft and pouting Calum.  
"Cal?" My voice wavers slightly but I just surge myself forward and into Calums soft and warm chest, I wrap my arms around his shoulder and I wince slightly at the sight of the new bandages, which means someone changed them while I was sleeping and saw all of the cuts. 

The hotel bed isn't that big so looking around the double bed I see Ashton was curled up behind me and Michael is on the other side of Calum, both of which are asleep and judging by the obvious dark circles under their eyes? I would say they need it. 

"Oh baby i'm so glad we found you." Calum breathes into my neck, placing a soft kiss as well.  
I just nod my head and cuddle in further, Calum doesn't seem to mind and just pulls me into him.  
"We'll get through this Luke don't worry we all love you so much baby." 

I'm pulled back into someone else's chest which i'm guessing is Ashtons because he's behind me.   
"You need to cut your hair." I whisper as i'm turned around and met with a face full of golden brown curls.  
"You need to kiss me." He answers with an almost smirk in his voice, I happily comply and give him a quick peck on the lips, but as soon as I do I hear a groan from across the bed.  
"No fair! If Ash gets kisses then you have to give everyone some." I look around to see Michael sitting up with an adorable frown on his lips and his eyebrows turned down to show how unhappy he is about what he's seeing.   
"Sorry Mikey." I say leaning out of Ashtons grip and over Calum to kiss Michael, the sorry is a bit deeper than I think all of us know and I pull back after Calum gets flustered and wants his own kiss.

I think i'll get through this, with my boys.

 

8 MONTHS LATER

If you had told me 8 months ago that I would be in a happy relationship with 3 boys who mean the absolute world to me? I would have called you a liar.

I would have said I would never deserve a happy relationship.

I would have said that no one would want to be with me anyway.

I would have said that i'm going to die alone.

But its funny how things work out? After the boys found me we all went back to their hotel, we officially took a well deserved break and during that time the boys and I got closer on a different level.   
I'm not going to lie, there were some really really bad days, days where I thought it was the end, there was one particularly bad day where Michael found me in the bathroom with a bottle of pills, he talked me out of it.

And after a lot of talking and the boys convincing me it was only to help me I did eventually go to therapy.  
For the first few sessions I was scared to go alone, so I had at least one boy come with me to every session, I had it 4 times a week, her names was Mrs Jones and twice a week I would go to her office in the main part of Sydney and the other two times she would come to the flat I shared with the boys. 

She was nice enough, a short lady with delicate hands that would rest upon her clipboard with all of my medical information and any notes she took during our time. I stopped seeing her a month ago, I now only go once a fort night and she come to me. 

We're back off our break, we only really had 3 months off and even then we were writing songs and recording, just no shows or interviews with cameras. 

Obviously not everything is going to be better, it hasn't even been a year yet, sometimes I'll wake up in the morning, take off my shirt and look into the mirror and just see everything I hate. 

My blonde hair falling flat onto my face, my entire face covered in acne and my stomach hanging out over my shorts. Its these times that I think hurt the most, but thats the comforting thing about being in a relationship, anytime I feel like this, looking into that mirror with nothing but hate for myself? A warm body will press itself into my back and wrap their arms around my stomach as another comes to kiss my shoulder tenderly, and of course another one of my perfect boyfriends will pull me back to bed and the day will be lost to soft kisses and laughing about how the worlds a messed up place but we're all safe because we have each other.

My life's not perfect and i've come to terms with that, but I must say, I am definitely happier.

END


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